Palindrome of the day*

I, madam, I made radio! So I dared! Am I mad? Am I?

*didn't you know we had one?

Counting your 2008 blessings

Lucky enough to have a boyfriend who handmade this someecard for me...sigh. Tralala.

I find someecards pretty clever and sometimes even hilarious, but--aside from a brilliant few--most of the user-generated cards are complete crap. Here are a few of the worst from the holiday section (i made this post more interesting by adding colors and changing up the fonts--whoa, buckle your deskchair belts):

"Party Like it's 1999" was Ten Fucking Years Ago!!! Happy New Year

Since we are ending the year with a bang, how about banging my rear end..for shits and giggles.

The brie puff pastry appetizer isn't the only thing that's getting baked this evening.

My New Years Resolution is to find a way to divorce your stupid ass..cheaply.

Here's to a new year and the inevitable abortion that I'll have as a result.

And here's a good one:

My New Year's resolution is to remind you how badly you're doing with yours.

U.S. Feebly Condemns Israeli Airstrikes Over Gaza

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice affirmed today that the United States will continue to feebly condemn Israeli airstrikes over Gaza.

“The United States fully supports Israel’s right to defend herself, but we will almost dispute Israel stepping over the bounds of self-defense,” Rice said, in a whisper that could only be heard by those closest to her in the hall.

Tuesday was the fourth consecutive day of airstrikes by the Israeli military. Israeli officials offer no hope for a ceasefire, despite the United States’ suggestion that they think things through a bit more.

“We take seriously the halfhearted concerns of the United States. It pains us to hear that we are performing operations that our ally is maybe not 100% comfortable with,” said Tzipi Livni, Israel’s Foreign Affairs Minister and acting Prime Minister.

“It’s not that I think they’re totally bad,” Rice mumbled, referring to the targeted attacks of known Hamas facilities that have nonetheless led to the deaths of at least 60 civilians. She then shrugged. “It’s just kinda like, hey, come on, guys.”

Rice added that the United States will maintain its tepid commitment to diplomatic relations.

Knitting is for crazy people

agree or disagree?

Chowdah classic for the holidays!

The thing about U-Haul is

it sucks.

It's clear that the people who work there do not want to be there. It's far away, by bus or walking. It's impossible to drive giant vans/trucks in the city. They take forever to do anything, and then make you feel like a dork for asking if you can rent blankets--not because they don't have blankets but just because it builds them up to put other people down. Then they make you fill up the gas afterward.

That's why I'm starting my own moving van rental facility. It will be called Awesome Van or maybe Van's the Man. It will be located right next door to wherever you are moving things from. A complimentary driver will be assisted by two burly yet gentle men, who will delicately remove your furniture from your dwelling and place it in the van, which will come pre-cushioned for your convenience. You will be ferried to your destination in a Vespa or something else cool. After they move your things with the grace of very strong swans, the driver will return the van for you, and then offer not to charge you because they weren't finished in under half an hour. The cost of the amount of gas you used will be credited by the company to the green charity of your choice.

Bacterial video

Usually, I abhor infectious videos of this sort, so when my co-worker said "Have you seen the one with the sorority girl crying?" I was like, no thank you. But it's pretty funny, because she's crying so hard, see?:

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

I'm not deleting spam comments because it makes it look like more people read my blog.

Runts

One-liner on Onion homepage. Check it out this week: www.theonion.com.

Shrek the sheep

This picture makes me feel fat. Click through a slide show of Shrek being shorn here.

Home Sweet Home

"I'm game, honey!"

The return of the bacon cheeseburger on a donut! Paula Deen makes an old favorite and I'm not sure who the sassy black woman is.

If the New Yorker is reporting it, it must be relevant

Seems I'm not the only one concerned about what Jones Soda is doing to the holidays.

But more importantly

I was forced to use the word "pressata" to order my lunch today. Never again.

There is jelly-doughnut flavored soda

Check out Jones Soda's holiday soda packs. Jelly doughnut flavored soda is pretty gross, but I think Christmas ham flavor is probably the winner. Of course, the best part may be that you can buy a combo of one Chanukah and one Christmas pack.

You are the One, Neo

Is this normal?

Live blogging Thanksgiving.

Is reading a blog about someone else's Thanksgiving dinner supposed to help you better understand your own? Isn't this kind of like--instead of getting presents on Christmas morning--getting pictures of what other people are getting?

Nonetheless, I was happy to hear that at 1:53pm, the couple from New Jersey made it through the Bridge traffic into the city.

Classic post

I'm thinking a lot about ladders and climbing up them or not today, so in honor of that, I'm posting this classic smoking pancakes post, with some additions:

It’s days like these, when I feel stifled by my own inadequacy—“Thursdays”—that I like to list people who were older than me when they achieved things:

Age 29 – Oprah Winfrey gets her own T.V. show

Age 30 – Steve Martin first appears on the Tonight Show

Age 30 - Kurt Vonnegut publishes his first novel, "Player Piano" (to be fair he was fighting in WWII and stuff)

Age 31 – Neil Simon writes his first play

Age 31 – Judy Blume publishes her first novel

Age 33 – Virginia Woolf writes her first novel, the Voyage Out

Age 34 – Margaret Edson produces her first and only play, “Wit”

Age 36 – Christopher Guest has his one-season stint on SNL

Age 36 – Dave Barry gets his gig writing a humor column for the Miami Herald

Age 38 – George Saunders publishes first collection of short stories

Age 45 - Roald Dahl writes "James and the Giant Peach"

Age 46 - E.B. White publishes his first children's novel (never mind that the New Yorker printed his first essay at age 26)

Age 57 – George Washington becomes president

I’m gonna flip out when I turn 40.

Luckily

Sad songs and waltzes are selling like hot cakes!

All I want for Christmas is heroin

What a gas

I'm gonna canvass for the Republicans next election, as a gag.

I don't think I would want to eat this

cake that looks like a hamburger

Have I become

one of those people who looks at pictures of baby animals all day?

(yes.)

Is anyone else annoyed by all the changes google is making to gmail but still can't pick the perfect theme?

Reading

A very funny blog about human rights violations:
www.wrongingrights.blogspot.com

Why I'm not raising kids in New York

This kid.

This is important:

I can't wait to read the article.

Silly African head of state name of the day:

Canaan Banana

The struggle for equal rights is over

"Europe Welcomes Abnormal Veggies" (NYTimes, 11/12/08)

“This marks a new dawn for the curvy cucumber and the knobbly carrot,” said Mariann Fischer Boel, European Commissioner for Agriculture.


Call me a bleeding-artichoke-heart liberal.

What sports could women play during Colonial times?

This is too adorable

Look at how excited and proud he is! Like an abandoned puppy on its way to live in the White House!

You can still wrangle a cephalopod the old-fashioned way

Merely to minnow about underwater is no longer enough, and such sports as octopus wrestling are coming increasingly into vogue, particularly in the Pacific Northwest, where the critters grow up to 90 Ibs. and can be exceedingly tough customers. Although there are several accepted techniques for octopus wrestling, the really sporty way requires that the human diver go without artificial breathing apparatus.

-TIME, 1965

Licks of Love

Books that are embarrassing to read on the subway because people might think you are reading a self-help book and jump to all kinds of conclusions:

Alternatives to Sex by Steven McCauley
How to be Alone by Jonathan Franzen
Fates Worse Than Death by Kurt Vonnegut
I Married a Communist by Philip Roth
A Good Man is Hard to Find by Flannery O’Connor
Problems by John Updike
Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler

Polls show:

With all precincts reporting, this race is still a dead heat. In an unprecedented decision by the United States Senate, the puppy and Obama will have to co-govern. I smell a sitcom! Anyone for possible names? "Change I Can't Believe In!" "Puppy Love" "Fired Up? Ready To Go For A Walk!" Am I right??!!!

Poll update

We're getting down to the wire here, and polls show a dead heat between Democratic Nominee Barack Obama and a soft, yet politically incisive puppy (a stray or "Independent" candidate). Make your vote count!

Poll update

Polls show 7 out of 20 people would rather have a soft, yet politically incisive puppy for president than John McCain.

Creepy words that end in -kle in honor of the day

tickle
trickle
tinkle
twinkle
wrinkle
cackle
crackle
heckle
grackle
knuckle
prickle
fickle
rankle
besprinkle

The ScAriEsT day of the year!!!!!

Thou Shalt Not Covet

But all I want is earrings that look like a hat and a hat that looks like earrings.

Poll update

I feel like whether you're voting for Barack Obama or a semicolon (currently tied), you're really just voting against McCain.

Saint Snuffles

You can see more images of pious pets here.

The makers of the site explain: "The idea on how to pay tribute to pets was realized by the ability of making small cards that depict different pets as saints."

Sure, I get it.

Brand Names Rejected by Honest Tea:

Unwieltea (comes in an enormous bottle)
Calamitea (whatever you do, don't open the bottle)
Adversitea (proceeds go to orphans)
Difficultea (hard to digest)
Dirtea (is that even tea floating around in there?)
Smuttea (inside of label conceals picture of naked woman)
Tragetea (made with real tears)

A fierce response to Obama's closing argument

The McCain campaign has seized on the advertisement as excessive, with Mr. McCain pointing to reports that Mr. Obama’s infomercial would bump back the World Series on Fox by 15 minutes. “No one will delay the World Series with an infomercial when I’m president,” he said, in Hershey, Pa.

He went on to note that two-day delays due to inclement weather would also be prohibited under a McCain Administration.

Scared?

That's the idea.

The Times was right

about Wendell Willkie.

Gee

Greenspan admitting he was wrong about deregulation is almost like getting all that money back.

Remember when...

eBay was still whimsical?

David Sedaris on undecided voters

"To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. “Can I interest you in the chicken?” she asks. “Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?”

To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked."

Read the rest of the article here.

Results of our latest poll

Semicolons have widened their lead over asterisks in the past several days, probably because of better funding and a strong grassroots movement on the ground.

Best named British knight

Sir Thomas Stamford Bingley Raffles

It's not fair

of me to post this candid shot of McCain.

But then again, it's not fair of McCain to condescendingly call pregnant women who want abortions "young women," who must be treated with "compassion" as they "face this terribly difficult decision." I suppose it's implied that the decision is only difficult for them, seeing as how Mr. McCain and his wife Cindy, who know what's best for the startled and confused young women of the world, will be making the decision on their behalf--to have the "courage" to give birth.

p.s. another good point by Dahlia Lithwick of Slate:

"In discussing abortion, [McCain] started sneering about the trickiness of allowing exceptions for the mother's health. No nuance here. Just the bold implication that all health exceptions represent some kind of female trickery. Last time I checked, women thought their health was sort of important. Toss in his eye-crossing claim that anyone who supports abortion rights is, by necessity, not going to be qualified to sit on the Supreme Court, and it was time to kiss women voters goodbye. "

There's something primal in my response to these images

It makes me want to stockpile bananas.

How will they find an unbiased jury?

A lawsuit against God.

Bloopers!

Recently discovered typos:

From an old cover letter I wrote:
"In this position, I would write advertising coffee."

From the website I work for:
"When the marshmallow is heated, the sugar begins to brown in a process known as cartelization."

"This is a famous and perplexing question called Olber's Paradox, named after a German astronomer named Wilhelm Olber's."

I have my finger on the pulse of the people who read my blog

Why are you all so viciously pro-semicolon? Who cares about semicolons?

Relax, Pelosi

On punctuation

"The semicolon is ugly, ugly as a tick on a dog's belly. I pinch them out of my prose." -Donald Barthelme

Daily adorable medieval mathematician mugshot

Fibonacci, yes please!

Really.

http://www.converse.com/index.aspx?mode=pd&sku=1S147#productdetail

By the Palin standard

By the Palin standard, I guess this means she's an expert on 9/11.

Reading

Old posts from dooce.com. You should definitely check out this blog, which is hilarious despite the high level of content related to dogs and babies. Read backward until you're hooked, cause some of the most recent posts aren't that good.

Silly scientist name of the day:

Buckminster "Bucky" Fuller

(okay, he is only sort of a scientist.)

This really happened in Sam Harris's article in Newsweek

"Governor Palin, are you ready at this moment to perform surgery on this child's brain?"

"Of course, Charlie. I have several boys of my own, and I'm an avid hunter."

A couple of things that have been on my mind

Is it true that Hitler commited suicide because he found out that his own mother was Jewish? And also I would like ask you if you can tell me more about the industrial revolution.
Thank You,
Star

Whatever--

I think it's cool.

And then Ben Bernanke spanked them

This headline confused me: "Markets Gyrate After Central Banks’ Move." Markets can gyrate?

Polls show:

With seven votes, "It's goin'" is the correct response to "How's it goin'?".

McCain interview

Interviewer: Many people in Latin America feel that Latin America is ignored in Washington. What are you going to do to make sure that it is not ignored?

McCain: Pay more attention.

Listen to McCain make an idiot of himself here.

No, but seriously guys, you should probably give me like $100 million

PARIS (AP) -- A researcher says a previously unknown piece of music by Mozart has been found in a French library.

Ulrich Leisinger, head of research at the International Mozarteum Foundation in Salzburg, Austria, described the work as rough notes, the preliminary draft of a musical composition. He says it was found by a library in Nantes in western France as staff were going through its archives.

He says there is no doubt that the single sheet was written by the composer and that it is ''really important.''

The city is planning a news conference Thursday.

Leisinger says the library contacted his foundation for help authenticating the work.

Leisinger said ''it's definitely Mozart's handwriting.''

We are not stupid!

Jean-François Gravelet

Jean-François Gravelet, the Frenchman who crossed Niagara Falls on a tightrope many times in the mid-19th century, also crossed the Edgbaston Reservoir in Birmingham, England. The reservoir, which is located in Rotten Park, was formerly a small fish stock pool called Roach Pool, and is fed by Titford Reservoir upstream.
This is, of course, just down the road from Fartinghamshire.

Nelson Mandela's first day of school

Teacher: And what's your name little boy?
Mandela: My name is Rolihlahla.
Teacher: Hmm...we'll call you "Nelson."

And Adam and Eve rode off into the sunset on a triceratops.

Dr. Jason Lisle, who works for the Creation Museum, recently gave a lecture in Souderton, Pennsylvania. He began by suggesting that dinosaurs were not such fearsome creatures as you might have been led to believe by the heathenish Jurassic-Park-loving media. Dinosaurs, he said, were vegetarians. But why did they have such long, sharp teeth, you ask?

"You see, you think of a watermelon as soft. But in order to get to the soft stuff on the inside, you have to cut through the hard outer exterior. But not T.rex. He was quite ready to eat it off the vine."

All the world's a stage...

and all the men and women want to be playwrights.

I'm directing a short play this fall and as part of the theater's arrangement, I have to choose from a list of selected scripts written by up-and-coming female authors. So far I have read scripts on the following topics:

Murder (3)
Ghosts only the protagonist can see (2)
Dissolving marriages (2)
Dissolving relationships (2)
Gang rape (1)
Alcoholism (1)
People who don't realize they themselves are ghosts (1)
Satanism (1)

I'm going to ask if I can do "The Odd Couple."

International bovid rights law

Come on, Democratic Republic of Congo. Every other country in the world treats goats with dignity.

Found poetry on the subject of commuting

The text of this poem comes from an email from my roommate, which is especially timely because I just hate people on the subway sometimes, don't you like totally sometimes too?

People seem to think
that if they push
their way onto the train
before you get off,
that's the right thing to do.
People also seem to think
that if they push off
the train before you,
their lives will be
immeasurably improved
because there is now one person
behind them
getting off the train.
This is why
I think
we need to impose
a radical population reduction program.
Shoot
people who are rude
during subway commutes.

Silly scientist name of the day:

Friedwardt Winterberg

I don't know if I can take it anymore...

Silly scientist name of the day:

Fritz Zwicky

Cindy McCain with a pancake on her head

Thank you to reader Dan Lacey for this amazing painting. Check out his website, where you can find images of other political celebrities--including Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin, and Hurricane Gustav--as well as the artist himself with pancakes on their heads.

When donuts go bad

I guess I missed the bandwagon on these bacon cheeseburgers in a Krispy Kreme bun (allegedly made for the head of Google's cafeteria staff on their birthday). What amazed me most was not just the concept, which is cute--if disgusting--but the fact that they made so many! How many people were actually willing to eat one? Then a little research revealed that this is not an isolated affair. A minor league baseball team in St. Louis makes them. Here is a gallery of Krispy Kreme burgers from "around the world." At some point, you have to throw up your hands and admit that it is sort of delicious sounding.

Jack Abramoff's hat

All ten people at the RNC were riveted by Sarah Palin's speech last night.

Also, somebody definitely drugged that baby.

McCain Forces Small Child To Wave; Bristol Palin's Jacket Covers Embarassing Mistake; A Disheveled Cindy McCain Wanders Into The Right Side Of Photo

The family portrait.

Female, 26, seeks missed connection

26 year old female living in Gramercy seeks missed connection with slightly older man. Brooding brown eyes, boyishly dimpled chin, deep frown lines suggesting a troubled past a plus. Our accidental and random encounter can be repeated eye contact on the 4/5 train, you giving up your seat for an elderly woman on the bus so I don’t have to, or you asking to share my table at Starbucks since everywhere else is full. Could even be a more striking brief, anonymous engagement such as us both reaching for the last marble mocha muffin at Dean and Deluca, or you commenting on the book I am looking at in the Strand. You decide. I’ll be looking everywhere.

Sarah Palin's foreign policy experience

Keep your thoughts about Miley Cyrus to yourself

It’s days like these, when I feel stifled by my own inadequacy—“Thursdays”—that I like to list people who were older than me when they achieved things:

Age 29 – Oprah Winfrey gets her own T.V. show

Age 30 – Steve Martin first appears on the Tonight Show

Age 30 - Kurt Vonnegut publishes his first novel, "Player Piano" (to be fair he was fighting in WWII and stuff)

Age 31 – Neil Simon writes his first play

Age 31 – Judy Blume publishes her first novel

Age 33 – Virginia Woolf writes her first novel, the Voyage Out

Age 34 – Margaret Edson produces her first and only play, “Wit”

Age 36 – Christopher Guest has his one-season stint on SNL

Age 36 – Dave Barry gets his gig writing a humor column for the Miami Herald

Age 38 – George Saunders publishes first collection of short stories

Age 40 - Eric Carle publishes "The Very Hungry Caterpillar"

Age 45 - Roald Dahl writes "James and the Giant Peach"

Age 46 - E.B. White publishes his first children's novel (never mind that the New Yorker printed his first essay at age 26)

Age 57 – George Washington becomes president

I’m gonna flip out when I turn 40.

Lesson

Envelopes with someone's first name on them, underlined, almost always contain money.

Activities for Less-Thrilling Thrill Seekers

Treediving

Flood Chasing

Joining a Bicycle Gang

Safari in Suburban Pittsburgh

Carp Diving in a Carp-safe Cage

Barack Obama is a vampire

Take the Obama Challenge

here.

You big jerks

A school in Tennessee is providing free iPhones or free touch iPods to its incoming freshman. They were so excited! Look at their chubby little faces!

Wait, Jamaica does want more glory--stop the presses!

This corrected NYTimes headline reflects a commitment to getting the full story on how committed Jamaica is to the procurement of additional glory:

CORRECTED: Jamaica Seek More Glory After Bolt Double

Maureen Dowd finally loses it

I hope that this is on the "Most Emailed" list because people are astounded by how crazy this woman is.

Improv Everywhere

Check out this Improv Everywhere prank with UCB performers. I don't know how old it is, so maybe I just happened to miss the boat, but this is definitely my favorite Improv Everywhere prank ever.

Overenthusiastic or something more sinister?

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Republican John McCain's wife has been treated for a ''minor sprain'' after someone at a campaign event in Michigan shook her hand firmly.

That's what Ratko Mladic said

Orlando Bloom has agreed to star in a film about the Sarajevo siege of the early 1990s. Here's what he had to say about the city:

"Hopefully, we can get this movie to be made at the end of this year. To come here and shoot would be just wonderful," he said.

The Great Manet-Monet Debate

Came across this while researching Monet and Manet for work:

Today I was exposing my third grade art class to the exquisite, Impressionist water lilies of Monet's late work. They were enthralled. I even wore my Monet necktie with water lilies on it (which impressed them somewhat less than the slides). Afterwards, I mentioned that another artist from approximately the same era who sometimes worked in an Impressionistic style was Eduoard Manet and that some people confused Monet's work with Manet's.

I was somewhat startled when a little girl in the back of the room commented that she didn't think Monet's work looked anything like Manet's. I was quite curious about her seemingly very astute observation, especially inasmuch as I'd not even shown them any paintings by Manet. I questioned her further, asking her where she'd ever seen any Manets. She replied, "In our refrigerator."

Little Known Battle Cries of the American Revolution

Boston Harbor a tea-pot tonight! – Samuel Adams

Ack! – Paul Revere

Quartering sure sounds bad! – Abraham Whipple

Taxation without representation, hurrah! – the British

This one’s for the British Royal Proclamation of 1763, suckers! – George Washington

They’ll call this Massacre Day! – anonymous colonial militiaman

Hey, those rocks really hurt! Cut it out! – Thomas Preston (British Captain present at Boston Massacre)

Also, a little known celebrity who fought for the Patriots, Jack Black:

As many have footnoted...

the transition from age 22 to age 23 is, in many ways, like the transition from 21 to 22. Slightly important and nearly noteworthy. Some not quite worth mentioning things that have already happened to me today (my last day of being 22) include:

- Decided to forgo showering since I'll be gross by the end of the day anyway!
- Traveled with very few delays to JFK!
- Purchased a pretty okay muffin from a bakery I like!
- Enjoyed free wireless internet from Jetblue!
- Had trouble getting my laptop out in the security line!
- Wasn't selected for further screening!
- Contemplated lunch options!

I'm somewhat thrilled about my birthday tomorrow!

This Cat Looks Like Angelina Jolie

Official Transcript of Obama's 7/24 Speech in Berlin

Thank you. (applause) Thank you so much, people of Berlin. (applause) I have come here today (applause) like so many Americans before me (applause). But I look a little different from them. (cheers) My father was a Kenyan farmer (wild cheering), and he came to the West (applause) because of how hard he worked and struggled (cheers). You people of Berlin [etc. etc. freedom and democracy] (wild cheers!). But the Russians (boooos) [something, something communism] (boooos) could not defeat the spirit of [etc.] (cheers!) in this very city (applause), Berlin (crowd goes wild).

How can the Times call him "vague"?

Manufactured Spontaneity

At Flax, the art supply store, you can buy a notebook with napkins instead of pages. Because so many great ideas started on a napkin. So. You should be ready with some napkins.

More like Pale and Farty

Soup from Hale and Hearty comes with one packet each of salt and "dustless pepper."

Really!

The first game show was a radio quiz show called “Professor Dick and His Question Box,” which began in Canada in 1935.

in chelsea

"Did you hear John got a job offer by text message?"

and he took it.

Watching t.v. without the sound is a good way to learn about the world. First of all, men really want to have fun and drink beer, and their girlfriends just want to read "Bride" magazine and sit around. Meat is delicious, especially when it's cheap, and a tiny Eddie Murphy is even more hilarious than a full sized one. The Office is the only good show on television, even in re-runs.

With his usual grace...

Bush is on his "farewell tour" of Europe. Upon meeting the Pope--

“Your eminence, you’re looking good," Mr. Bush said.
-AP report

Good Enough for Government Comedy

Every week I send The Onion a batch of headlines--most of them get turned down. Rather than letting them disappear off into the void, I'm going to post them for you guys and MAYBE even write some of them out. Here are a few recent ones:

Area Woman Going To Be So Cool About It If Blind Date In Wheelchair

Clinton Gracefully Admits Defeat Ten Weeks Ago

Neighbor's Wireless Sucks

Area Girlfriend Spends All Her Time Faking Interest In Sports

Married Couple Feels Pressure To Act Gayer

Area Woman To Start Cooking Everything By Boiling It Alive

Area Woman Trying Not To Describe Big Black Guy As "Big Black Guy"

Bad Haircut Fails To Grow Out

And much much more! Stayed tuned. And for goodness sakes, comment.

Another several weeks, another headline

Check out my one-liner on the Onion homepage all week:

Play Within A Play Also Boring

Ask and ye shall receive

The winner of our formal "What's the Cutest?" poll is two puppies! Two puppies are very good looking indeed.

Literary Toiletries from Harper-Jergens

Everything Is Illuminated Foaming Cleanser

The Invisible Man Self-Tanning Spray

For the Relief of Unbearable Urges Anti-Diarrheal Medication

The Feminine Mystique Tampons

The Unbearable Lightness of Being Protein Powder

I hope they do an encore!

Oooh, that concert was so amazing! My throat hurts from screaming! I have never spent $32.50 so well before. I hope they do an encore!

The lights are still down, so that’s a good sign. But on the other hand, the house lights have come up a bit. Or am I just imagining it? It might be the beer messing with my light-sensitivity. OMG, did someone just walk onstage?!

No, it’s just a techie.

They won’t come out if the house lights come up. That’ll mean they’ve given the signal that they’re going to call it a night. Don’t they know their fans are out here waiting? We need to make some noise!

Oh man oh man oh man! What if they don’t come back out? I swear I’ll kill someone. Everybody cheer louder!

Woo! Woooooooooo! Wooo [hack hack hack cough].

I can’t cheer anymore. My hands are raw from clapping. Just come back please. I swear I’ll make it worth your while. I’ll rev up the crowd to give you that energy you crave! I’ll get the crowd on its feet! I’ll get everyone to do the wave! Or pull out their cell phones and wave them around just around like little lighthouses calling your music home to port! For chrissakes, just get back out here!

Oh man. If they keep the lights down all this time and then they don’t come out, I am going to be so pissed. I can’t handle that kind of disappointment.

Fuck it, I’m leaving.

Excuse me, I need to get through. I'm giving up. We just didn't want it badly enough.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Is that them? They’re coming back! They just needed to get some water! Look at that!

I can’t believe I ever doubted you—oh, Matchbox 20, I love you.

The News Today Is Bad

I guess.

Another Onion headline

Check it out! Hilarious!

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/area_5_year_old_telling

Also, check out this interview I did with comedian Kumail Nanjiani. He seems like a pretty cool dude. The interview is terrible but go see him perform anyway.

Cheap Joke About Dick Cheney

This photo demonstrates everything wrong with American involvement in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

How long can we expect Mr. Abbas to stand there with his hand outstretched, grinning like an idiot, while Mr. Cheney's visual receptors send a message to his brain which indicate to the nerves in his arm to begin moving slightly forward?

Perhaps he is wondering if Mr. Abbas wants to slap five or do some other kind of cool West Bank-style handshake Mr. Cheney will not know how to do.

Maybe he is afraid he will not have the skills required to pull his hand back quickly and snap, then pound it, or--worse yet--to wiggle his fingers among Mr. Abbas' while making a high pitched victory twitter.

Maybe he thought Mr. Abbas was about to give him something, like a sugary treat or the key to Ramallah, and he is quietly reframing the information at hand, given the emptiness of Mr. Abbas' palm.

Either way, his hesitation is costly.

Recipes Modified for People Who Don't Think Ahead

* Prepare the marinade 1 hour before it occurs to you to cook chicken for dinner.

* Refrigerate dough the night before you decide to bake cookies.

* Melt chocolate in the nonstick saucepan you never got back from your friend Sheila.

* Have soaked beans overnight.

* Assemble the raw ginger and buttermilk you bought last week just in case.

* Substitute your cooking skills for the skills of someone who has taken a class in German cuisine.

* Reduce your loneliness by having invited people over to share all this food with you.

My first Onion headline!

Check it out here. I wrote the headline, the Onion wrote the article, wise internet surfers dugg it.

Full Cookie Poll Results Expected Late Friday

I don't think it's too early to say that the one-vote margin by which chocolate chip clinched this poll is nothing less than a mandate demanding more chocolate chip cookies in future blog posts.

True Love (Part 2)

What I Learned About True Love From The Movies:

You know it's true love when...

- The band strikes up when your eyes meet across the room (Casablanca)

- Your foot "pops" when you kiss him (The Princess Diaries)

- You find yourselves rolling down a hill in a compromising position (The Lion King)

- He owns a rival bookstore (You've Got Mail)

- He wrote that thing in the law firm with the fish and the clients and the thing and he's Tom Cruise (Jerry Maguire)

- You literally have his first wife's bloody heart beating in your chest (Return to Me)

- He doesn't mind that you're a bit of a cold fish (Finding Nemo)

- He can't catch a cab on New Year's (When Harry Met Sally)

- You go for walks together even though you have lupus or whatever (A Walk To Remember)

- He's your ex-step-brother (Clueless)

- His wife is dead (Sleepless in Seattle)

- You are played by Meg Ryan and he is played by Tom Hanks (Everything)

- He doesn't let the neighbor's rotten kid tie you to a firework and shoot you into the sky cause you've got a friend in him (Toy Story)

- Your reconstructed dinosaur egg is artificially fertilized by his paleolithic sperm resulting in an unholy act of human creation (Jurassic Park)

See below...

...for my first post in a series on True Love, the overwhelming winner of the Smoking Pancakes blog-topic poll. The two-vote margin by which True Love won the poll amounts to nothing less than a mandate for more blogging on the subject. And I am only a tool of the divine, following the injunction of His subjects. Stay tuned for more.

True Love (Part 1)

Wedding Announcements

March 2, 2008

Fran Somers, a Manhattan-based pediatrician, met and married Louis Pinzer, a Doubletree Hotel employee, when he came down into Ballroom B to inform her that Philip Erlanger, her fiancé, would not be joining Ms. Somers at the altar. The bride will keep her name, and a small portion of her dignity.

Annabelle Leubling of Poughkeepsie, who always swore she would never get married, and Peter Schmidt of Lubbock finally tied the knot this Saturday in a small civil ceremony. Ms. Leubling was still swearing as her father, Paul Leubling of Providence, dragged her into the courthouse.

Miriam B. Hirschfeld married Solomon Michael Berkowitz, a nice Jewish boy, at the Prince Hotel, a perfectly nice establishment, on Sunday, a nice day for a wedding. Rabbi Chaim Fretzman, who did a nice enough job at the Kolokoff wedding, officiated.

Louisa Elizabeth Prescott wed Mason Winston Prescott, her first cousin, in an embarrassing mix-up!

Maggie, a black-lab/collie mix and King Alex, a sweet ol’ mutt, were married by Eliza Cassandra Brown of Pineapple Street Tuesday. The bride wore a ballet tutu around her neck and the groom wore a top hat. The ceremony came to an abrupt end when Maggie saw a stick and ran off.

Don't Be Early To The Party

9:02 pm

Check email.

9:15 pm

Watch “Charlie Bit Me” video on YouTube.

9:25 pm

Check email.

9:26 pm

Microwave a couple of frozen pizza bites, so you won’t be hungry all night.

9:45 pm

Send “Charlie Bit Me” video to some friends who might be interested. Ask if any of them are going to party. They might.

10:00 pm

Talk about “Charlie Bit Me” with one of them for a while. Say things like “CHAR-lie” and “he bit me!”

10:15 pm

Check email.

10:16 pm

Look at the Facebook page of that guy you liked for a while who was probably really into you before he moved to Guam.

10:24 pm

Notice how skinny his current girlfriend is.

10:25 pm

Do a few crunches.

10:30 pm

Feel sheepish, report crunch-doing to friend via AIM. Ask if she’s going to party. She isn’t.

10:45 pm

Discuss sorry state of feminism with said friend.

11:00 pm

Microwave a few more empowering frozen pizza bites.

11:10 pm

Check email.

11:14 pm

Click on YouTube link mom sent you in her latest email to the “Mom Song” sung to the tune of the William Tell Overture.

11:23 pm

Send “Mom Song” link to friends on AIM, with message “my mom sent me this. Ha.”

11:27 pm

Feel a little guilty, consider calling mom to tell her you love her.

11:28 pm

Write note to self to call her on Sunday.

11:30 pm

Finish off box of pizza bites.

11:40 pm

Discard box with small sense of accomplishment. Empty garbage and put it in a new trash bag.

11:43 pm

Check email.

11:44 pm

Text to see if anyone is not online because they’re already at the party. They are, but people are starting to leave. Check time. Notice it’s getting late.

11:46 pm

Text friend to tell him you’re just gonna have an early night.

11:47-4:13 am

Nonsense.

4:13 am

Sleep.

Brain teaser.

You are driving a bus.

Three people alight.

The swirling fans of autumn surround them

As they move out among the pear-cheeked babes

And dogs with rabes

(six more step off)

And sticky stacks of newspap’ packs

And strolling cars

And men from Mars

And girls with weights on roller skates.

The light is red.

Four more aboard.

Their leaden bags are gnawing thoughts

As they move down past taken seats

A man that reeks,

(and nine step on)

A mother’s legs and ciggy dregs

An apple core

Upon the floor

Here ends the wait, they hesitate

For some unseemly puddle on the seat.

A dozen on,

A dozen off,

This man will drink,

That man will cough.

At midnight comes a quiet bliss,

And youngster now I ask you this:

What color are the bus driver’s eyes?

I'm formulating my thoughts on true love...

unless you voters give me a reason not to.

In the meantime...

Dear Sir/Madam;

I am writing to apply for the position of Analyst, which you posted on My friend Greg told me about it. Because of my many years of experience in analyzing things, I believe that I am an excellent candidate for this position.

As a senior citizen for over 3 years, I demonstrated my excellent attention to detail, strong communication skills and fantastic swaddling and analyzing skills. My supervisors called me Grandma, and entrusted me with such independent tasks as taking Charlie and Emma to the zoo. These experiences have given me the skills needed to excel in this position.

Please strongly consider my application and contact me if you have any other questions. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Elizabeth “Grandma Lizzie” Ackerson

Cover Love-Letter to a Prospective Employer

Dearest Hiring Manager,

My lips trembled when I saw your posting for the position of Administrative/Editorial Assistant. Alas, I have been rejected time and time again, and I find myself as a thirsty woman in the desert, clinging to the cactus that is Random House. Though I have striven to repel the impulses that lead me to compose this cover letter, even now I am pulled onward, onward by the thought of the retirement plan you may one day grant me. Health benefits aside, my loins ache for the chance to have my very own cubicle, where I could display a portrait of your holy visage, until Human Resources asked me to take it down.

I am attaching a list of the inane activities I have heretofore used to distract myself from you, my one and only love, whose name drips like honey from the tip of my tongue: Hiring Manager.

With my undying love,

Pancake Lady

XOXOXOXO

Introducing: Our Hero

Rising from the smoke, his blue tie askew, with rumpled suit and gleaming eyes, he is: the Superdelegate.

Stirringly vague and vaguely stirring!

Yes, we can heal this nation. Yes, we can seize our future. And as we leave this great state with a new wind at our backs, and we take this journey across this great country, a country we love, with the message we've carried from the plains of Iowa to the hills of New Hampshire, from the Nevada desert to the South Carolina coast, the same message we had when we were up and when we were down, that out of many we are one, that while we breathe we will hope, and where we are met with cynicism and doubt and fear and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of the American people in three simple words: Yes, we can.

The universe only seems big because one wall is lined with mirrors.

Easy Woodstuff for Kids

Today I'm going to take a look at a book that I can't remember enjoying as a child, but which must have been a big hit in the 80s, since we still have it sitting around our house today.

The name of the book is Easy Woodstuff for Kids, by David Thompson, with illustrations by Stacy Buhler. You can purchase it here for only one penny!

There are no pictures available on Amazon, so let me tell you about the cover! It shows a little Asian girl with thick bangs and OshKosh overalls looking dejectedly at a piece of string tied around some twigs. On a table in front of her there are, from L-R: a wooden tool box with some tools, a bit of a tree branch with some pencils stuck in it, and finally, a wooden plank with a teapot on it! But there are even more fun projects floating in the sky behind her head! Including: a piece of wood with a wooden cylinder sticking out of it! And, a piece of wood with some twigs glued to it!

Opening the book, we find the enticing table of contents, including such sections as "Sticks Are Made of Wood" where we can find instructions for projects such as "Write Your Name With Sticks." I can't wait until we get to "Scrap Wood Projects" like "A Wooden Trivet Made From A Piece Of Scrap Wood" and "Plywood Projects" like "A Tray Made From Three Pieces Of Plywood" and "The Magic Broom Holder"! I wonder what makes it magic!

Mr. Johnson's introduction is illuminating: "Children move quickly. Their hands move from one thing to another before we can see them. They have to be slowed down. Part of our role is slowing them down, making them conscious of what they are doing, and giving them the opportunity to do something slowly, carefully and deliberately." I can't wait!

A section titled "Hammer" lets us know that "Children love to hammer, but in order to hammer well, they need a good hammer." Another section on "Sanding" includes the lyrics to a little sanding song Mr. Johnson "often sings" while sanding. Sand, sand, sand your wood, Looking at the grain, When you think your work is done, It's time to start again. Back to work, kids!

In conclusion, "There are many more wonderful experiences to explore with wood. I wish we didn't have to stop here, but we do. Thank you for sharing in this experience."

Thank you, Mr. Johnson.

Now finish sanding my new dining set, Timmy.

♫ This week I'm going to switch it up a little bit and take a look at the condominium market in the six areas of Chico within the Sierra North Valley MLS during the first three quarters of 2005, 2006 and 2007.

God Bless Our First Amendment Rights

My hometown paper has a wonderful feature where anyone can call in and tell it how they see it, and the paper will print whatever you say. The things people work up the energy to call in and say...remarkable!


We like the Christmas displays, liberals
I wanted to say thank you to all the wonderful people that did all the work at Christmastime putting up all those Christmas lights and displays. We went out three or four times and we were just absolutely thrilled with all the displays. They were just beautiful. Happy New Year. The liberals and the enemies lost big-time.

Yeah, all those liberals with their strict anti-cheer policy can go straight to hell. Why don't they just phone up Osama and dance on a mall Santa cloaked in an American flag to celebrate Razzamadazz or whatever that pro-gloom Islamicky festival is called?


There's no global warming; it snowed
I just wanted to say so much for global warming. I live in Paradise and I've got about 4 inches of snow on the ground.

It SNOWED??? Why wasn't this on the National News?! What have I been saying this whole time? I told you it wasn't getting any hotter!


Those bullet shot holes are ridiculous
It's Dec. 27. It's about 4:45. There's a brand-new PT Cruiser in front of me and they have those fake little bullet shot holes and I think that's utterly ridiculous and I don't think it's funny. I've seen them on other cars before.

It's Jan. 2. It's about 4:53. There's a newspaper in front of me and it has a complaint about fake bullet holes ("bullet shot" holes, it calls them) on car rear windshields, and I think that's utterly ridiculous. I've seen silly complaints before, but this one wins.


How do you get rid of grease stains?
Does anybody out there have a remedy for grease stains on dark colors? I've tried everything.

Spilled a little barbecue sauce on your suit at Aunt Millie's wake? Get the grease out of black fabric using dish detergent. You can still make it to Cousin Sue's wedding and stop her from marrying that awful Ted guy! Run, man, run!