Thursday, July 30, 2009

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Did you know?

This of course is the equivalent of using a whole bun on either side of your burger.

Glamorous lifestyle

I could make so much more money if I was a Japanese hostess.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

From Jeffrey Goldberg's blog at The Atlantic.

I just want to go back in time and tell little "Ikey" Dreyfus to STAY HOME.

If you're having trouble

picking out a birthday present for me. Please get me this:

It's a moon lamp that changes phases. Awesome! My sister showed me this site Think Geek today, and I would like anything off of it, including the bow and arrow that shoots marshmallows or astronaut ice cream or binder clips that say "crap."

Monday, July 20, 2009

Okay fine, Onion

What happens when you buy one of these?

Friday, July 17, 2009

Police Seek Man With Fetish for Exercise Balls

"Experts said he has an unusual attraction to inflatable exercise devices."

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I know what you're thinking

But only beef can be served on Krispy Kreme doughnuts...! Not so, you small-minded little oyster! Fried chicken makes an excellent substitute for those in the business of putting things that do not belong in donuts in donuts.

Monday, July 13, 2009

This town ain't big enough

Yesterday, I was shopping with my sister, and I bumped into this woman with my purse. I immediately apologized. She responded by slamming her purse into me as hard as she could. When I realized she'd intentionally hit me, I turned to her to apologize again.

"Look, it was really an accident. I'm sorry I hit you, " I said. She didn't reply and gave me an evil look. At that point, my sister--not a New Yorker--grabbed my arm and walked me away in the other direction.

But you want to know the truth? It wasn't an accident. I ran into that old hag on purpose. In fact, I was carrying around an iron so that the impact of my purse would really hurt (I was really carrying around an iron--long story). I just didn't like the look of her, the way she was muscling in on all the medium sized white camisoles in Old Navy. I wanted to hurt her, to show her whose town this is, and which of us that particular Old Navy belongs to. (Me.)

I hope she bruises easily.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Well, I missed this show yesterday. I didn't know there was splintering allowed in Harvard Sailing Team. This changes all the rules.

In Costa Rica, there are dinosaurs at every cafe and in the highways

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Poll results

With the polls closed and vote-counting dragging on until dawn, it has become clear that "Paeans Mock Kings" has won the favor of Smoking Pancakes' anti-Church, anarchist readers. Sure, "Cake Spanking Oms" was funny and cute, but it seems that when it came time to pull the lever, voters couldn't help but observe that "Paeans Mock Kings" are three words that make sense in that order.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Next time, send a Gourmet Sympathy Cheese Cake

My sister wanted me to help her find a place in Manhattan with kosher gift baskets. So I googled it and stumbled upon The gift baskets are separated into categories based on occasion. Under "shiva/condolences," you'll find the best-named baskets, including the "Sympathy Chest of Snacks," the "Kosher Sympathy Cheese Board," "Sympathy Basket Delux," "Premium Condolence," and of course, the "Tower of Sympathy."

But when you really care, send "Our Deepest Sympathy Basket." The depth of the basket reflects the depth of your grief.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

I didn't read this article

In New York City, Fewer Murders on Rainy Days

I didn't read this article, but I'm guessing the murderers get all organized--gloves, weapon, disguise--and then realize when they've gotten downstairs that they've forgotten their umbrella. But if they run back upstairs to get it, it'll throw their timing off and ruin their alibi.

So much preparation--wasted!

"Oh screw it," they say, and spend the rest of the night drinking Bailey's and watching "So You Think You Can Dance."

Made-up baseball stats

Just read this on Hank Aaron's Wikipedia page:

"Tommie Aaron, one of his brothers, also went on to play Major League Baseball. By the time Aaron retired, he and his brother held the record for most career home runs by a pair of siblings (768)."

Yes, that's right. Between the two of them, they hit 768 home runs, of which Tommie Aaron hit 13, and Hank Aaron hit SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY-FIVE.