"Officers later got a tip that two men had tried to pawn a reptile. When the attempt failed, police said the men went to at least two liquor stores and tried to trade the lizard for alcohol."
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
"Officers later got a tip that two men had tried to pawn a reptile. When the attempt failed, police said the men went to at least two liquor stores and tried to trade the lizard for alcohol."
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
"Children in Brooklyn heard from the buildings commissioner, Robert D. LiMandri, right; the chief elevator inspector, Douglas Smith; and a dancing cat."
Monday, November 9, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
-Soupy Sales, slapstick comedian who died Thursday at the age of 83, and knew the importance of using the right kind of pie. “One of my younger fans made the mistake of heaving a frozen pie at me before it defrosted,” he once wrote in The New York Journal-American. “It caught me in the neck and I dropped like a pile of bricks.”
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
…talk with a lot of conviction about things they know not about.
Just last week I heard someone convincingly talking about how delicious some chapattis are.
We were all so moved by his conviction but when we tried to find out more about the chapattis the joker revealed that he had actually never tasted them but was only told by someone else!
The anger I had then is still so strong even as I write this. Why would someone put so much energy in an ignorance-laden endeavour? Was he being paid by someone or what? I cannot stop hating such guys.
Click here to read more opinions from The Hater, a writer for the Sunday Times in Rwanda.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
And in the top left-hand corner, there's a small sticker.
"If you or someone you know has a problem with gambling, dial this number for free addiction counseling."
Friday, September 18, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
My boyfriend's roommate uses Plackers, which are little plastic flossers that look kind of like cocktail swords with floss attached. Plackers is proud of their commitment to no-fray, no-snap floss. In fact, they advertise their floss as being made from "the same fiber used to make bulletproof vests." Bulletproof vests! This explains:
a) how magicians catch bullets between their teeth.
b) why cops have so few cavities.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
I think I look for signs of camaraderie every September.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
(Note that a helpful commenter points out: "i believe they were referring to the discrimination associated with being black, rather than having been black." Thank you for remarkably unhilarious insight, Jeff_from_MD.)
Monday, August 31, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
One of the funniest UCB originals I've seen in a while. The quality isn't even that good, but I think really simple sketches that just repeat something over and over again make me laugh a lot. Here's a sketch that functions in a similar way for me:
Will it ever stop cracking me up? Probably not. The SNL burrito sketch is the same idea.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Apparently, Lauren Lubeck Blair and David E. Hough Blair of Tennessee really enjoy renewing their wedding vows all over the world. David says: "We love telling each other we love each other, and looking into each other's eyes and saying our vows."
Friday, August 14, 2009
It's sentences like these that make me snort at my computer screen. Thank you, New York Times.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
Thursday, August 6, 2009
As is often my response to hackers: Come on. Really? This is your idea of a good time?
Let me reassure you, your act of e-violence is meaningless. The website always wins in the end. In a few hours, it will be back up, and in the meantime, the only losers are Manhattanites who can't find the CupcakeStop Truck (it's on 5th avenue and 22nd street--you're welcome) and protesters in Iran (head to Tehran Square and wear green).
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
It's a moon lamp that changes phases. Awesome! My sister showed me this site Think Geek today, and I would like anything off of it, including the bow and arrow that shoots marshmallows or astronaut ice cream or binder clips that say "crap."
Monday, July 20, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
"Look, it was really an accident. I'm sorry I hit you, " I said. She didn't reply and gave me an evil look. At that point, my sister--not a New Yorker--grabbed my arm and walked me away in the other direction.
But you want to know the truth? It wasn't an accident. I ran into that old hag on purpose. In fact, I was carrying around an iron so that the impact of my purse would really hurt (I was really carrying around an iron--long story). I just didn't like the look of her, the way she was muscling in on all the medium sized white camisoles in Old Navy. I wanted to hurt her, to show her whose town this is, and which of us that particular Old Navy belongs to. (Me.)
I hope she bruises easily.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
But when you really care, send "Our Deepest Sympathy Basket." The depth of the basket reflects the depth of your grief.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
I didn't read this article, but I'm guessing the murderers get all organized--gloves, weapon, disguise--and then realize when they've gotten downstairs that they've forgotten their umbrella. But if they run back upstairs to get it, it'll throw their timing off and ruin their alibi.
So much preparation--wasted!
"Oh screw it," they say, and spend the rest of the night drinking Bailey's and watching "So You Think You Can Dance."
"Tommie Aaron, one of his brothers, also went on to play Major League Baseball. By the time Aaron retired, he and his brother held the record for most career home runs by a pair of siblings (768)."
Yes, that's right. Between the two of them, they hit 768 home runs, of which Tommie Aaron hit 13, and Hank Aaron hit SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY-FIVE.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Accused Wash. Woman: 'Dog Ate My Checks'
ARLINGTON, Wash. (AP) -- A woman accused of dipping into her ex-husband's bank account without permission blames her dog.
Arlington, Wash., police spokeswoman Kristin Banfield says detectives filed court orders to follow the money trail. They learned the money disappearing from the 42-year-old Arlington man's account was being used to pay for utility bills and other items at his ex-wife's home.
Banfield tells The Herald that the woman's first response was, ''Her dog got into her purse and ate all her personal checks.'' The 50-year-old woman reportedly told police she had no choice but to take money from her former husband's account.
The women is under investigation for identity theft and forgery.
Monday, June 29, 2009
But then I discovered this website*, where you can find anagrams of any word you want. And I was less sleepy for a minute while I played.
Here are some excellent anagrams for Smoking Pancakes:
A Smacking Spoken
Seaman Knocks Pig
Paeans Mock Kings
Comas Napkins Keg
Pagan Mocks Skein
Amass Neck Poking
Escaping Ska Monk
Cake Spanking Oms (one backpacker in Nepal says to another: "Man, that was one cake-spanking Om!")
*hat tip to Adam
Friday, June 19, 2009
Yes, that is a dead tarantula.
A "fan" sent it in as a gift to encourage us to make a movie about tarantulas. I think she was expecting a more positive reaction than the screams and general hysteria that she caused.
It's unclear if the tarantula was already dead when she wrapped it in tissues and put it in the box.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
''Get out of here,'' the president told the pesky insect. When it didn't, he waited for the fly to settle, put his hand up and then smacked it dead.
''Now, where were we?'' Obama asked Harwood. Then he added: ''That was pretty impressive, wasn't it? I got the sucker.''
This is a children's picture book waiting to happen.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
"The secret to my success could be boiled down to three little words: my quiet time. It begins at 1 A.M., when I get out of bed, check my e-mail, brush my teeth, scan some documents, and floss. Then I’ll surf the Web, maybe order a sectional couch or trade zloty futures."
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
Also, I wouldn’t make the series start with a plane crash--that’s a bit scary. Instead, maybe people could just be helicoptered onto the island, or take a boat ride there and have a lovely picnic but then realize they’ve run out of gas and can’t get back to the mainland. But they’d be allowed to leave whenever they wanted because there would be members of the coast guard nearby.
Also, I would use real people, not actors, so you could never guess what they would say next. And I would have them compete in games we set up on the island, like capture the flag and tag with special rules.
Also, the island would be Australia and the show would be set up just outside Sydney. That way people could get snacks they liked just a drive away. We’d give them all phones with regional SIM cards so they could call home, and their loved ones wouldn’t worry. And if they really needed a break, they could just check into a hotel until they were ready to have some fun again.
Actually, maybe I’d just check them directly into the hotel to begin with. We could film them flipping through television channels, getting a drink at the hotel bar, filling up on ice at the ice machine, using the small gym. Yes, that would be the main focus of the show, and then we could take them outside sometimes, to keep the jungle aspect, and they could do tae-bo in the parking lot or argue about where to go for dinner.
I wouldn’t call it “Lost,” either, I’d call it something like “Pretty Comfortable” or “Hotel Time.”
I’d watch it.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
Thank goodness it wasn't Krispy Kreme bacon cheeseburgers.
Friday, May 29, 2009
What I want to know is: how? HOW?! I can't see you, so how can you see me? Are you behind me? I'm looking behind me now and you're not there. Unless you somehow got in front of me very quickly while I was turning. But now I'm looking in front of me again and I don't see anybody. Where are TEN people?!?! AHHHH!!
Warren Times Observer Publisher John Elchert says the ad appeared Thursday. It read, ''May Obama follow in the steps of Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley and Kennedy!'' The four presidents were all assassinated.Elchert tells The Associated Press that the newspaper's advertising staff didn't make the historical connection.
(you didn't know I was running a wacky news blog?)
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Lai Jiansheng, 66, said he was fed up with the desperate man's "selfish activity" which caused huge traffic jams in Guangzhou, southern China.
Chen Fuchao fell 26ft (8m) on to an air cushion and is recovering in hospital, the official Xinhua news agency said.
The bridge has gained a macabre reputation, attracting at least 12 would-be suicide jumpers since the start of April, according to the China Daily report.
None of the 12 has jumped, although each has held up traffic for several hours, it said.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
[Above: Judith Warner is like a grown-up Anne Hathaway.]
The thing about Judith Warner is, she gets your hopes up that she is going to have something interesting or entertaining to say and then she lets them come crashing down.
This morning, for instance, she wrote a column that began by comparing Meghan McCain to Kim Bauer from "24." An auspicious start, I think you'll agree. I have a soft spot for Meghan McCain because she is one of those people I don't want to like and then she gives me all sorts of reasonable justifications not to.
Then Warner talked about her feelings of pity for Bristol Palin, who I like a lot because she is adorable when she goes on interviews about abstinence being the only way and then she blushes and refuses to talk about sex.
Bristol Palin AND Meghan McCain in one column! It's like that time I wrote a post about Bristol Palin and Megan McCain, and how I would much rather hang out with Bristol (baby + hiking in Alaska + more fun dad). Of course, in true Warner form, she ended the column with some punchy sentence that undid everything she'd built up in the column ("but what do I know, I'm just a mommy," seems to be the implication).
I guess Gail Collins is the only one for me.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
*kudos to Shushannah for finding this
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
- New York Times interview with Dana Carvey
Monday, May 18, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Also, some people in New Zealand had to fight a legal battle to name their kid "4 Real." Probably Mormons.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Jo: what made u decide
Zack: i had questions no one would answer :-(
Jo: what kind of questions
Zack: God's purpose 4 my life and what happens after death
Jo: what have u found?
And then it says "Join the Conversation" with a link to chat with an e-missionary.
I like this new tactic because it makes sense that the same people who can be successfully proselytized can also sum up their religious beliefs with an emoticon.
I also think a successful ad campaign for this function could be "Chat Live with a Missionary: For People Who Think Mormonism Might Be Right But Are Too Lazy To Get Up And Answer The Door."
Friday, May 8, 2009
- Personal essay about life-long battle with depression
- Column about women balancing doctoring and motherhood
- Blog posts about pregnancy on Dooce and comments
- Judith Warner (who I hate) on entering middle age
- Video of the Frugal Traveler traveling with baby
- Irene Curie Wikipedia page
- Recipe for Middle Eastern avocado puree
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
If It Ain’t Caffeine It Ain’t No Thang (Ensemble)
Roasted (Rosie, Mrs. Hemingway, the Professor)
These Viennese Blues (Dan)
(I Guess You Think It's A) Fair Trade (Rosie, Ensemble)
Grounds (Dan, Dr. Munroe)
Two Sugars (Rosie, Mrs. Hemingway)
These Viennese Blues (reprise) (Rosie, Ensemble)
Joe (Dan, Mrs. Hemingway, the Professor)
Can't Vacuum Pack Me (Joe)
Another Cup? (Dr. Munroe, Mrs. Hemingway)
Hot and Cold (Joe, Rosie)
Boy Am I Steamed (Dan, Ensemble)
Give It to Me Black (Dan, Joe)
Espress-o-your-love To Me (Dan, Rosie)
If It Ain’t Caffeine, It Ain’t No Thang (reprise) (Ensemble)
Pictures which make me doubt whether they should be allowed to call it pop "culture." This is a person about whom it has been said "her aversion to wearing a top and bottom at the same time...swigging champagne and being fanned by oily men in Speedos [is] very Donatella-esque." This is a person who chooses to be called "Lady Gaga," as in the sound that babies make. This is a person so talented she wrote songs for Britney Spears AND New Kids on the Block.
Go back to Yonkers!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
My question to him is what would happen to Texas-shaped tortilla chips?
Under Silver's plan:
Thursday, April 23, 2009
And then, in the end, you do win! You always win! And the prize is a sandwich!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
So, let's see here. It seems that Abduwali Abdukhadir Muse--jeez, could've used that name a few days ago when I was writing pirate headlines!--was apprehended by the U.S. authorities and brought to a Lower Manhattan court.
Big smile there! I bet he's got some fabulous and astounding pirate tricks up his sleeve. Probably, his pet monkey will get the key to his cell and help him escape!
So Mr. Muse was charged with piracy--duh--and although his real age is not entirely clear, he'll be tried as an adult. Well, no matter. A pirate's life is not bound by such rules and regulations as "birthdays" and the like! Out on the high seas, what matters is how well you shoot a cannon or festoon a brigand!
Let's see...held without bail, yada yada yada...mandatory life sentence?! We'll see about that, won't we! If Mr. Muse had wanted to be locked away, he would've taken over the family goat herding business instead of running off in search of adventure.
I'm sure the Somalian king will step in any minute now and release him. Perfect. The justice system works.
To celebrate, we had a cupcake with green icing, and only used one plastic plate.
Also, we stuck it to Mother's Day with this trendy logo. Take that, moms!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
US Military Drops 20,000 Copies Of Treasure Island On Somalia
New York Times Hopes Piracy Crisis Lasts Long Enough To Use “Swashbuckling” In Headline
Obama Delivers Address To Somali Pirates In 3-Cornered Hat Made Of Newspaper
International Community Exploits Pirates' Known Fear Of Tick-Tock Sound To End Crisis In Somalia
Congolese People Hope Wizard-Robot-Astronaut Crisis Will Draw International Attention To Their Problems
Nation Briefly Interested In International Crisis Because It Reminds Them Of Childhood
Somali Internet Piracy Just A Symptom Of Wider Somali E-Problems
Delighted Somalians Divide Treasure Brought In By Pirates
French Navy Uses Telescope Made Of Old Toilet Paper Roll To Locate Somali Pirates
O/E: Point/Counterpoint: Yarr, I'm A Pirate! By Captain Hook vs. I Will Carry Your Head On A Spike Through The Streets Of Mogadishu, By Ismail Hassan, Somali Pirate
Friday, April 17, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
-my coworker on the phone this morning
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
So you walk into Samuel French and say, "Hello, I'm Mr. Shakespeare."
And they laugh, and say, "No really, what's your name?"
And you say, "Shakespeare. Hank Shakespeare."
And they say, "Hahaha, that's a really splendid joke and all, but come on..."
And you say, "I know, it's confusing, but that's mah name--take it or leave it!" and give them a winning grin.
And they pause for a moment, and then say, "Well, I assume you are planning to use a pen name?"
And you say, "Why should I? People expect a good play from someone with the last name 'Shakespeare.'"
And they say, "People expect a play by Shakespeare from someone with the last name 'Shakespeare.'"
And you say, "Just read the script. Soon, when people hear the name 'Shakespeare,' they'll think of Hank Shakespeare."
And they say, "No offense, but there's no way that is going to happen."
And you say, "Let's see about that!" and read to them from your new play, "Six Trees And A Peony," and they are astounded. They assure you that that is the sort of thing they love over at HitPlays.com, and usher you out the door and into cyberspace.
"I'll be the Shakespeare of the Internet," you think to yourself, but when you get there you find out that the other Shakespeare is already the Shakespeare of the Internet.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
What this decisive win for pterodactyls means for the fate of the humble sea otter remains unclear. What is clear, however, is that people want to be able to fly and also to be extinct. Weirdos.
Monday, April 6, 2009
They're never going to make it up the slide! I can't take it!
Friday, April 3, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
"Ugh, I hate interacting."
"Come on, Rita. Let your belly hang out! You'll see--it's great!"
"No. I hate everything."
"Hey camera. Interact with this guy."
"That girl still crying? What is girls' problem? I'll give her something to cry about when I let this gum roll out the side of my mouth into her hair."
It wasn't so long ago we were enjoying saliva-worthy images of Pureed Potato and Brocolli Soup with Parmesan Croutons and Japanese Spinach with Sesame Dressing and Black Bean Chili.
But now it's all quinoa and walnuts. Get with the program.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Here's one of my favorites:
"We are expected to have fiscal responsibility. Why isn't congress and the White House not doing the same thing?"
Metallic, La Marque, TX
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I mean, come on. Let's get real.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
But a couple of days ago, I needed to take out $200, because I was having an improv practice, and paying back my boyfriend for part of a plane ticket. Also, I was getting a hair cut, and I hate putting the tip on my credit card, because then you just have that awkward moment where you’re like “Thank you, looks great,” and the stylist is like, “Thank you, I’m glad you like it,” and then she is still standing there, so you’re like, “I really really like it. It looks perfect,” and she’s like “You’re welcome, you’ve got beautiful hair,” and she kind of smiles at you, and you’re like, “You will be handsomely rewarded, I’m sure” and she’s like, “Oh, you don't have t--” and you say, “Well, got to go,” and then she sweeps off and probably Thinks Bad Thoughts about you.
So I go to the ATM in the CVS across the street, and I withdraw my $200 with kind of a thrill in my chest, because in my world that is A Lot of Money. The 20s come out of the machine pat-pat-pat-pat and I fold them up in my pocket and go back to work.
Later that day, I take them out of my pocket to put in my wallet. But first, I count them, and, horrified, discover there are 2 extra 20s!
Stealing! What bad karma!
Of course, I checked first to make sure I hadn’t accidentally withdrawn $240, but no, there it was on my bank statement: $200.
So I contemplate going back to the ATM, but it wasn’t in a bank, so I would just have to give the money back to a CVS employee, which doesn’t seem 100% right, either, because they’d probably just spend it on booze and pocket-sized Kleenex packets.
Then I thought I would give it to a homeless person. I’d wrap the money in a single, so as not to make a scene when I dropped it in their bucket.
I decided to go back to the ATM, get the phone number off of it, and then if they were like, “Keep it, lady,” I’d call my mom to ask her what the Talmud says about this sort of thing.
On my way back from the ATM, I suddenly realized that there are 5 $20 bills in a $100. Not 4, like with quarters in a dollar (a denomination I deal with much more frequently), but 5.
Which led to my one allotted use of the word “retarded” for today.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
After seeing Finding Nemo, I swore I'd never eat fish again. After seeing Wall-E, I swore I'd never eat robots again.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
And he was right. The amount of time I spend looking at pictures of food online is obscene.
Also, Christianity really is misunderstood by atheists.
And it's not junk food that attracts me (although I do admire soupy melted cheese). It's attractively arranged healthy food, like in the Recipes for Health section of the New York Times. I check it at least once a day to see what delightful concoction Martha Rose Shulman has arranged for my viewing pleasure. Not like that rogue Mark Bittman, who often posts recipes with NO ACCOMPANYING PHOTOGRAPHS. What is the point?
I don't have time to watch videos where Bittman makes adorable comments and the snazzy intro music lasts as long as the entire segment. I just want to see some meat. Some cheese. Something sizzling. Something dripping. Gurgle.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Lois Charles: Mr. Stone? Mr. Stone, you seem a little distracted!
Detective Rick Stone: I'm sorry. I don't get too many beautiful women in here.
Detective Rick Stone V/O: I don't get too many burritos in here, either. Except a lot of 'em when I buy 'em and bring 'em here. Ma-a-ann, I'm starving. I haven't eaten since two-and-a-half minutes ago, when I had a burrito. Not the kind in a tortilla, but the kind that's made out of iced coffee. Okay. I had an iced coffee. I don't know why I lied and said it was a burrito. I guess I was trying to impress you. Did it work? Yes? Who was that? Oh. It's me. It's cool. Burrito.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
This is the fat cat that used to live in my sister's house. It goes by "Fat Cat" or sometimes "Mr. Fat."
Can you find its face?
This isn't one of those blogs where people just post adorable pictures of animals and say "awwww, look how cute. "
This is a hard hitting news blog (obvi).
So I wanted to get to the story behind the photo. Rising cat literacy. You probably noticed (if you could find his head) that Mr. Fat is checking out the titles on my sister's bookshelf. What you may not have noticed is that one of the books he's eying is "The Communist Manifesto."
Of course, he's far too obese to get himself up off the back of that chair and too apathetic to take the time to learn to read. But give him a scratching post and some young kitty to chase around, and he'll be spouting German revolutionary rhetoric in a matter of lives.
That's the last thing we need, people. Not in this economy. I for one can't afford to pay any more taxes to fluffy feline overlords.
I hope you're getting worried, because the revolution may already be starting. Someone has vandalized the Karl Marx Wikipedia page. They've written "karl marx looks like a homeless guy" next to a photograph of him.
I'm not saying a cat was doing research and thought it would be funny. I'm just saying cats can't capitalize things (they don't have the proper appendages to operate the shift key), so what does that tell us?
You tell me.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
What the New York Times didn't cover about Obama's appearance before Congress tonight was the hint of a tender romance blossoming between the new President and Supreme Court Justice Ruth "Kiki" Bader Ginsburg (I'm sure Liz Smith would have covered it if she hadn't been fired for not serving any function in society).
Obama's affair with an SCJ is a misstep familiar to Presidential historians, who still remember that famous incident in 1903, when Theodore Roosevelt attempted to unhook Oliver Wendell Holmes' bra.