A reason to blog again...

Pair Allegedly Try to Swap Stolen Lizard for Booze

"Officers later got a tip that two men had tried to pawn a reptile. When the attempt failed, police said the men went to at least two liquor stores and tried to trade the lizard for alcohol."

GHOST TOAST

watch it: http://ghosttoast.net/

From NYTimes article on teaching children what to do in a stalled elevator

"Children in Brooklyn heard from the buildings commissioner, Robert D. LiMandri, right; the chief elevator inspector, Douglas Smith; and a dancing cat."

"Yes! Soy Mattresses Are In!"
- a sign in front of Sleepy's near my office

COME SEE "THE MOVIE" at UCB!

Every Tuesday in November @11pm.

How to throw a pie in someone's face:

“You can use whipped cream, egg whites or shaving cream, but shaving cream is much better because it doesn’t spoil. And no tin plates. The secret is you just can’t push it and shove it in somebody’s face. It has to be done with a pie that has a lot of crust so that it breaks up into a thousand pieces when it hits you.”

-Soupy Sales, slapstick comedian who died Thursday at the age of 83, and knew the importance of using the right kind of pie. “One of my younger fans made the mistake of heaving a frozen pie at me before it defrosted,” he once wrote in The New York Journal-American. “It caught me in the neck and I dropped like a pile of bricks.”

Belated...but funny anyway

Welcome to Elmhurst Hospital

That's a real photo of the hospital where my boyfriend works.

The Hater - Rwanda (not Amelie Gillette)

Hates people who...

…talk with a lot of conviction about things they know not about.
Just last week I heard someone convincingly talking about how delicious some chapattis are.

We were all so moved by his conviction but when we tried to find out more about the chapattis the joker revealed that he had actually never tasted them but was only told by someone else!

The anger I had then is still so strong even as I write this. Why would someone put so much energy in an ignorance-laden endeavour? Was he being paid by someone or what? I cannot stop hating such guys.

Click here to read more opinions from The Hater, a writer for the Sunday Times in Rwanda.

When did an "Act of Congress" become as unlikely as an "Act of God"?

Kelsey Grammer had a sketch show?

Overheard in the office elevator

"There's a dog shitting right next to my desk all day long. He can't do that. It's just not professional."

Woot

Onion Weekender: One Man's Chilling Tale Of Needing To Get To An ATM Pretty Soon

I'm no superman

My boyfriend is a medical student working at a big hospital in Queens. On his way through the emergency room one afternoon, he sees a prisoner from Rikers Island chained to a hospital bed. The man, seeing my boyfriend in his short white coat, starts to sing:

"I can't do this all on my own..."

What do you save your suicide note as on your laptop?

Nabil al-Rabaa, Mr. Jaber’s partner in Beirut, where the shop opened late last year, said that while most customers had encountered cupcakes before, there was initial confusion. “There were a lot that would say, ‘I’ll take that muffin, and one of those muffins,’ ” Mr. al-Rabaa said. “Please, these are cupcakes!”

Astute Commentary on Society's Ills

In the Duane Reade near my office, they have one of those glassed in lottery machines where shiny, colorful tickets are displayed, promising your best odds to win! win! win!

And in the top left-hand corner, there's a small sticker.

"If you or someone you know has a problem with gambling, dial this number for free addiction counseling."

Proof that God has a sense of humor

but it's weird.

Did you even know a "poultry economist" was something you could be?

“We have these jumbo, juicy paws the Chinese really love,” said Paul W. Aho, a poultry economist.

Get excited

Ghost Toast is coming!

Remember when Gmail was invitation only?

"I'm pregnant with someone else."

When did I become this person?

I think I like looking at photos of baby animals because you can't just look at photos of other people's babies. It's weird.

But thank god for mommy bloggers.

Flossing hurts in a good way

My boyfriend's roommate uses Plackers, which are little plastic flossers that look kind of like cocktail swords with floss attached. Plackers is proud of their commitment to no-fray, no-snap floss. In fact, they advertise their floss as being made from "the same fiber used to make bulletproof vests." Bulletproof vests! This explains:

a) how magicians catch bullets between their teeth.

b) why cops have so few cavities.

Where confidence comes from

“We’ve been in business since 1902; there are many names that have come and gone,” said Denis Black, the general manager, with the confidence of a man who once got a personal thank-you note from Bill Clinton for picking out a tie.

More horrors.

Remember

yesterday when Gmail was out for like an hour and a half and everyone was talking about it the whole time and afterwards because it's something we all have in common and there was this wonderful sense of fellowship in every "refresh" or "reload"?

I think I look for signs of camaraderie every September.

Home sick

What is it about being sick that just makes you want to describe your sickness in disgusting detail to everyone you know?

Like, I just hacked up a wad of phlegm the size of a chicken nugget, for example.

So I totally missed the boat on this one (by quite a bit)

But just in case you did, too, you have to watch this very short CNN clip from Katrina coverage.

(Note that a helpful commenter points out: "i believe they were referring to the discrimination associated with being black, rather than having been black." Thank you for remarkably unhilarious insight, Jeff_from_MD.)

Another thing I wrote

An essay for Tikkun magazine. (Be careful, the photo they used of me is ENORMOUS and may come out of the screen and eat your face off.)

In keeping

with our current theme of "classic comics deconstructed" comes this ongoing series of Marmaduke Explained by Joe Mathlete at www.29-95.com (a Houston city guide site). It is pretty funny, and you may also enjoy the site's collection of pictures of cake.

If you still need to get me a birthday present...

The inflatable toast mattress!

Gelfing

Check out this interview I did for Gelf Magazine with Doug Quint, owner of the Big Gay Ice Cream Truck. It's pretty hammy!

Garfield Randomizer

Have you seen this? It puts together three random Garfield comic panels in sequence. It is really weird how often it makes total sense. Oh, that cat!

What is the right joke to make about a comedy show on September 11?

Violent conflicts named for minor body parts

War of Jenkins’ Ear

Massacre at Wounded Knee

Battle of the Butt Cheek

Jeff’s Left Pinky Toe Altercation

The Belly Button Crusade

Hangnail Genocide

Are people over blogs yet? I'm sort of over them.

Silly

One of the funniest UCB originals I've seen in a while. The quality isn't even that good, but I think really simple sketches that just repeat something over and over again make me laugh a lot. Here's a sketch that functions in a similar way for me:



Will it ever stop cracking me up? Probably not. The SNL burrito sketch is the same idea.

Second only to "Most Nationalities in a Sauna"

I was just reading Guinness World Records online, like you do, and stumbled across this record: Most Marriage Vows Renewals - Same Couple.

Apparently, Lauren Lubeck Blair and David E. Hough Blair of Tennessee really enjoy renewing their wedding vows all over the world. David says: "We love telling each other we love each other, and looking into each other's eyes and saying our vows."

They pulled on the lettuce, hoping to pull out something else as well: their own addictions.

"It was all in a day’s work at an unlikely flyspeck of a place: a two-acre organic vegetable farm bordered by a forest and gentle hills, where two dozen men were quietly fighting for their lives."

It's sentences like these that make me snort at my computer screen. Thank you, New York Times.

Daily adorably named 18th century British conflict

The War of Jenkins' Ear

Dead-on Obama impression. Okay sketch.

Obama Debunks Birther Conspiracy - watch more funny videos

Fish and Cushion

Just wanted to give a shout-out to Matt K over at Moonwel Ot Cosideme, who has written a Mitchell and Webb edition of his sketch primer. Very funny and interesting, as usual. He also writes about sports, which I skip.

I relate to this sketch because my job is reading Wikipedia

My quest to learn more about kosher certification for whiskey led me to the Orthodox Union Job Board, where I found this dynamic and exciting position:

Giant Ocean Tank Intern

The internship lasts 12 weeks or until the intern can't swim anymore.

"Massage my hand, and I will fix everything!"

"Not bad!"

Remember Twitter!

So Twitter has been attacked today, by vicious hackers who "direct a “botnet,” often made up of thousands of malware-infected home PCs, toward a target site in an effort to flood it with junk traffic. With the site overwhelmed, legitimate visitors cannot access the service."

As is often my response to hackers: Come on. Really? This is your idea of a good time?

Let me reassure you, your act of e-violence is meaningless. The website always wins in the end. In a few hours, it will be back up, and in the meantime, the only losers are Manhattanites who can't find the CupcakeStop Truck (it's on 5th avenue and 22nd street--you're welcome) and protesters in Iran (head to Tehran Square and wear green).

I don't know why this makes me laugh so hard

"There are very few books that make me laugh out loud, and I can't say that this one did either, but I can say that it's a funny book." -reader review of Heather Armstrong's new book on Amazon

Sure, I'm a baseballs fan.

Which country does not belong?

*hat tip to Olivia

Did you know?

This of course is the equivalent of using a whole bun on either side of your burger.

Glamorous lifestyle

I could make so much more money if I was a Japanese hostess.

28 (twenty-eight) is the natural number following 27 and preceding 29.

Individual numbers have their own Wikipedia pages.

From Jeffrey Goldberg's blog at The Atlantic.

I just want to go back in time and tell little "Ikey" Dreyfus to STAY HOME.

If you're having trouble

picking out a birthday present for me. Please get me this:



It's a moon lamp that changes phases. Awesome! My sister showed me this site Think Geek today, and I would like anything off of it, including the bow and arrow that shoots marshmallows or astronaut ice cream or binder clips that say "crap."

Okay fine, Onion

What happens when you buy one of these?

Police Seek Man With Fetish for Exercise Balls

"Experts said he has an unusual attraction to inflatable exercise devices."

I know what you're thinking

But only beef can be served on Krispy Kreme doughnuts...! Not so, you small-minded little oyster! Fried chicken makes an excellent substitute for those in the business of putting things that do not belong in donuts in donuts.

This town ain't big enough

Yesterday, I was shopping with my sister, and I bumped into this woman with my purse. I immediately apologized. She responded by slamming her purse into me as hard as she could. When I realized she'd intentionally hit me, I turned to her to apologize again.

"Look, it was really an accident. I'm sorry I hit you, " I said. She didn't reply and gave me an evil look. At that point, my sister--not a New Yorker--grabbed my arm and walked me away in the other direction.

But you want to know the truth? It wasn't an accident. I ran into that old hag on purpose. In fact, I was carrying around an iron so that the impact of my purse would really hurt (I was really carrying around an iron--long story). I just didn't like the look of her, the way she was muscling in on all the medium sized white camisoles in Old Navy. I wanted to hurt her, to show her whose town this is, and which of us that particular Old Navy belongs to. (Me.)

I hope she bruises easily.

Well, I missed this show yesterday. I didn't know there was splintering allowed in Harvard Sailing Team. This changes all the rules.

In Costa Rica, there are dinosaurs at every cafe and in the highways

Poll results

With the polls closed and vote-counting dragging on until dawn, it has become clear that "Paeans Mock Kings" has won the favor of Smoking Pancakes' anti-Church, anarchist readers. Sure, "Cake Spanking Oms" was funny and cute, but it seems that when it came time to pull the lever, voters couldn't help but observe that "Paeans Mock Kings" are three words that make sense in that order.

Next time, send a Gourmet Sympathy Cheese Cake

My sister wanted me to help her find a place in Manhattan with kosher gift baskets. So I googled it and stumbled upon www.koshergiftbaskets.com. The gift baskets are separated into categories based on occasion. Under "shiva/condolences," you'll find the best-named baskets, including the "Sympathy Chest of Snacks," the "Kosher Sympathy Cheese Board," "Sympathy Basket Delux," "Premium Condolence," and of course, the "Tower of Sympathy."

But when you really care, send "Our Deepest Sympathy Basket." The depth of the basket reflects the depth of your grief.

I didn't read this article

In New York City, Fewer Murders on Rainy Days

I didn't read this article, but I'm guessing the murderers get all organized--gloves, weapon, disguise--and then realize when they've gotten downstairs that they've forgotten their umbrella. But if they run back upstairs to get it, it'll throw their timing off and ruin their alibi.

So much preparation--wasted!

"Oh screw it," they say, and spend the rest of the night drinking Bailey's and watching "So You Think You Can Dance."

Made-up baseball stats

Just read this on Hank Aaron's Wikipedia page:

"Tommie Aaron, one of his brothers, also went on to play Major League Baseball. By the time Aaron retired, he and his brother held the record for most career home runs by a pair of siblings (768)."

Yes, that's right. Between the two of them, they hit 768 home runs, of which Tommie Aaron hit 13, and Hank Aaron hit SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY-FIVE.

The doughnut burger rears its ugly head once more

Burger Insanity in Portland

Accused Wash. Woman: 'Dog Ate My Checks'

ARLINGTON, Wash. (AP) -- A woman accused of dipping into her ex-husband's bank account without permission blames her dog.

Arlington, Wash., police spokeswoman Kristin Banfield says detectives filed court orders to follow the money trail. They learned the money disappearing from the 42-year-old Arlington man's account was being used to pay for utility bills and other items at his ex-wife's home.

Banfield tells The Herald that the woman's first response was, ''Her dog got into her purse and ate all her personal checks.'' The 50-year-old woman reportedly told police she had no choice but to take money from her former husband's account.

The women is under investigation for identity theft and forgery.

Back in the habit

I'm back! From vacation! And it's great to be back, except sometimes I am very, very sleepy because I have to stare at a computer screen all day again.

But then I discovered this website*, where you can find anagrams of any word you want. And I was less sleepy for a minute while I played.

Here are some excellent anagrams for Smoking Pancakes:
Caking Spokesman
A Smacking Spoken
Seaman Knocks Pig
Paeans Mock Kings
Comas Napkins Keg
Pagan Mocks Skein
Amass Neck Poking
Escaping Ska Monk
Cake Spanking Oms (one backpacker in Nepal says to another: "Man, that was one cake-spanking Om!")

*hat tip to Adam

Update

It wasn't a whole tarantula, just a "molt" that a tarantula sheds.

We are NOT going to make a movie about tarantulas.

Fragile: Handle carefully or contents will break

A hapless employee of my company opened a package from a kid today to find this:
Yes, that is a dead tarantula.

A "fan" sent it in as a gift to encourage us to make a movie about tarantulas. I think she was expecting a more positive reaction than the screams and general hysteria that she caused.

It's unclear if the tarantula was already dead when she wrapped it in tissues and put it in the box.

Someone wrote this article

Local news!*

In the end, they compromised on $11 and all went out for milkshakes.

*tip of the hat to Justin

PETA Wishes Obama Hadn't Swatted That Fly

During an interview for CNBC at the White House on Tuesday, a fly intruded on Obama's conversation with correspondent John Harwood.

''Get out of here,'' the president told the pesky insect. When it didn't, he waited for the fly to settle, put his hand up and then smacked it dead.

''Now, where were we?'' Obama asked Harwood. Then he added: ''That was pretty impressive, wasn't it? I got the sucker.''

This is a children's picture book waiting to happen.

An excellent use of digital technology

Check out the trailer for Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs: THE MOVIE! In 3-D!

I saw "Up" in 3D last night and let me tell you, it really added $4 to the ticket price.

Health Conscious State Fair To Offer Steamed Twinkies

More dystopian food!

from the New Yorker Cartoon Lounge: Summer Snack Ideas.

I do the elliptical naked

Not a new Shouts and Murmurs by Andy Borowitz but I hadn't read it yet. How can people say Shouts and Murmur isn't funny? (I'll grant that the Borowitz Report is pretty uneven.)

"The secret to my success could be boiled down to three little words: my quiet time. It begins at 1 A.M., when I get out of bed, check my e-mail, brush my teeth, scan some documents, and floss. Then I’ll surf the Web, maybe order a sectional couch or trade zloty futures."

Excellent Mitchell and Webb

In my ongoing effort to get the naked mole rat off the front page of my blog

This is a speech Eugene Mirman made at his alma mater.

I like this a little too much

This really sounds like an Onion headline

Obama Pitches Pay-As-You-Go Plan for Congress

Why you should never google "naked mole rat"

I mean, really?

I'll never understand the baby panda phenomenon. They get a bit cuter, but the newborns are quite icky.

If I was the creator of "Lost"

If I was the creator of “Lost," I wouldn’t have made it a mystery island with a smoke monster and people getting attacked and traveling through time. It would just be like how do a group of people survive on an island, by building houses, and figuring out what plants are edible, and learning to fish and make fires.

Also, I wouldn’t make the series start with a plane crash--that’s a bit scary. Instead, maybe people could just be helicoptered onto the island, or take a boat ride there and have a lovely picnic but then realize they’ve run out of gas and can’t get back to the mainland. But they’d be allowed to leave whenever they wanted because there would be members of the coast guard nearby.

Also, I would use real people, not actors, so you could never guess what they would say next. And I would have them compete in games we set up on the island, like capture the flag and tag with special rules.

Also, the island would be Australia and the show would be set up just outside Sydney. That way people could get snacks they liked just a drive away. We’d give them all phones with regional SIM cards so they could call home, and their loved ones wouldn’t worry. And if they really needed a break, they could just check into a hotel until they were ready to have some fun again.

Actually, maybe I’d just check them directly into the hotel to begin with. We could film them flipping through television channels, getting a drink at the hotel bar, filling up on ice at the ice machine, using the small gym. Yes, that would be the main focus of the show, and then we could take them outside sometimes, to keep the jungle aspect, and they could do tae-bo in the parking lot or argue about where to go for dinner.

I wouldn’t call it “Lost,” either, I’d call it something like “Pretty Comfortable” or “Hotel Time.”

I’d watch it.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/20_million_americans?utm_source=a-section

Fairfax sues Krispy Kreme over ruined sewer system

"The suit details problems with the plant dating as far back as 2004, describing a sewer facility permeated by the smell of doughnuts, pipes clogged with corrosive slime and the resulting raw sewage leaks that eventually shut down the southern Fairfax sewer system."

Thank goodness it wasn't Krispy Kreme bacon cheeseburgers.

The Lord Justice Hath Ruled: Pringles Are Potato Chips

In Britain, most foods are exempt from the value-added tax, but potato chips — known as crisps — and “similar products made from the potato, or from potato flour,” are taxable. Procter & Gamble, in what could be considered a plea for strict construction, argued that Pringles — which are about 40 percent potato flour, but also contain corn, rice and wheat — should not be considered potato chips or “similar products.” Rather, they are “savory snacks.”

Poll results

Over two-thirds of you are lookin' at me.

What I want to know is: how? HOW?! I can't see you, so how can you see me? Are you behind me? I'm looking behind me now and you're not there. Unless you somehow got in front of me very quickly while I was turning. But now I'm looking in front of me again and I don't see anybody. Where are TEN people?!?! AHHHH!!

Pa. Newspaper Ad Calls for Obama Assassination

Warren Times Observer Publisher John Elchert says the ad appeared Thursday. It read, ''May Obama follow in the steps of Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley and Kennedy!'' The four presidents were all assassinated.

Elchert tells The Associated Press that the newspaper's advertising staff didn't make the historical connection.

(you didn't know I was running a wacky news blog?)

China bridge jumper 'gets a push'

(via the BBC) A man threatening to commit suicide by jumping from a Chinese bridge was approached by a passer-by who shoved him over the edge, local media say.

Lai Jiansheng, 66, said he was fed up with the desperate man's "selfish activity" which caused huge traffic jams in Guangzhou, southern China.

Chen Fuchao fell 26ft (8m) on to an air cushion and is recovering in hospital, the official Xinhua news agency said.

...

The bridge has gained a macabre reputation, attracting at least 12 would-be suicide jumpers since the start of April, according to the China Daily report.

None of the 12 has jumped, although each has held up traffic for several hours, it said.

Police: Conn. Woman Bitten After 'Bite Me' Remark

RE: Our current poll.

Do you want a piece of me?

The Middle-Aged and the Flimsy

[Above: Judith Warner is like a grown-up Anne Hathaway.]

The thing about Judith Warner is, she gets your hopes up that she is going to have something interesting or entertaining to say and then she lets them come crashing down.

This morning, for instance, she wrote a column that began by comparing Meghan McCain to Kim Bauer from "24." An auspicious start, I think you'll agree. I have a soft spot for Meghan McCain because she is one of those people I don't want to like and then she gives me all sorts of reasonable justifications not to.

Then Warner talked about her feelings of pity for Bristol Palin, who I like a lot because she is adorable when she goes on interviews about abstinence being the only way and then she blushes and refuses to talk about sex.

Bristol Palin AND Meghan McCain in one column! It's like that time I wrote a post about Bristol Palin and Megan McCain, and how I would much rather hang out with Bristol (baby + hiking in Alaska + more fun dad). Of course, in true Warner form, she ended the column with some punchy sentence that undid everything she'd built up in the column ("but what do I know, I'm just a mommy," seems to be the implication).

I guess Gail Collins is the only one for me.

Or something.

SNL's Casey Wilson Reads Internet Comments from Casey Wilson

Other things you didn't know about Australia

This is their real, honest-to-goodness coat of arms. That's a red kangaroo and an emu holding up the shield in the middle, for those not in the know. Apparently, this coat of arms was granted by King George V, and I would think he granted it as a joke ("Take that, Commonwealth Nation!") but his own coat of arms has a unicorn sticking its tongue out.

*kudos to Shushannah for finding this

Clips from the Dana Carvey Show

Here.

Hooray Dana Carvey

And he had met Charlie Kaufman, who I don’t think ever had a job writing for television at that time. And had me meet Charlie. And Charlie just said, “I’m working on a screenplay about John Malkovich.” And in a rare show of temper, I kind of got up in his face a little bit. I said, “Look, pal, you save that for your own time, O.K.? This is sketch television, all right?” I still feel bad about that. No, I didn’t. [laughs]
- New York Times interview with Dana Carvey

Russian tourists try to break Florida law having sex with porcupine

"Doctors of well-known medical center Cedars-Sinai diagnosed the case as ‘needles of a porcupine in genitals’."

Overheard

Mom: You don't hate flowers. Nobody hates flowers.

Kid: I hate flowers.

So far nobody knows the capital of Australia.

This photo gives me vertigo

Contrived missed connections...not a new theme for this blog, but a very funny video

Craigslist Missed Connection - watch more funny videos

Oh sure, you were only fondling it for the articles.

"Bordering on the pornographic." -Paul Mellars, archaeologist

Ancient Figurine of Voluptuous Woman Is Found

Reading

Everyone should read Deb's new blog. It's awesome. (You remember Deb. She inspired the most popular poll on this blog to date.)

Really? This made it into the New York Times?

This is my son FML

Apparently, people in Sweden are being prevented from naming their kids whatever they want. I was about to be like, that's ridiculous, when I discovered that some people wanted to name their kid, "Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116," which would be pronounced "Albin." Doesn't that just make you hate people? It's like, shut the fuck up. You're going to give your kid some retarded name to make some irritating point about anarchy or spelling? How would he ever be able to remember how many x's there were?

Also, some people in New Zealand had to fight a legal battle to name their kid "4 Real." Probably Mormons.

josmith137 is typing...

Have you seen the ad for the Mormon online missionaries? It has a little chat box, labeled "Chat About Faith."

Jo: what made u decide
Zack: i had questions no one would answer :-(
Jo: what kind of questions
Zack: God's purpose 4 my life and what happens after death
Jo: what have u found?

And then it says "Join the Conversation" with a link to chat with an e-missionary.

I like this new tactic because it makes sense that the same people who can be successfully proselytized can also sum up their religious beliefs with an emoticon.

I also think a successful ad campaign for this function could be "Chat Live with a Missionary: For People Who Think Mormonism Might Be Right But Are Too Lazy To Get Up And Answer The Door."

I don't remember this from Texas History class

Stephen F. Austin went to school at Bacon Academy AND Transylvania University.

I like this

HOW TO FIGHT - watch more funny videos

Estrogen, anyone?

Things online that made me cry today:

• Personal essay about life-long battle with depression
• Column about women balancing doctoring and motherhood
• Blog posts about pregnancy on Dooce and comments
  
• Judith Warner (who I hate) on entering middle age
• Video of the Frugal Traveler traveling with baby
• Irene Curie Wikipedia page
• Recipe for Middle Eastern avocado puree

Things are looking up

game!

Whatever

There's nothing funny left on the internet.

Have you considered

a barn owl ring bearer? For the couple with no adorable nieces or nephews and maybe a Harry Potter thing?

Also, pixies

I know I promised to write more about pirates, but do you ever think about the Tanzanian robots?

Spider sex violent but effective

I'm eating Purell

The New York Times asked readers what they were doing differently in response to the swine flu outbreak. Here's my favorite reply:

"I’m wearing a mask. But I always wear a mask. It’s who I am."

Coffee! The Musical

Act I
If It Ain’t Caffeine It Ain’t No Thang (Ensemble)
Roasted (Rosie, Mrs. Hemingway, the Professor)
These Viennese Blues (Dan)
(I Guess You Think It's A) Fair Trade (Rosie, Ensemble)
Grounds (Dan, Dr. Munroe)
Two Sugars (Rosie, Mrs. Hemingway)
These Viennese Blues (reprise) (Rosie, Ensemble)

INTERMISSION

Act II
Joe (Dan, Mrs. Hemingway, the Professor)
Can't Vacuum Pack Me (Joe)
Another Cup? (Dr. Munroe, Mrs. Hemingway)
Hot and Cold (Joe, Rosie)
Boy Am I Steamed (Dan, Ensemble)
Give It to Me Black (Dan, Joe)
Espress-o-your-love To Me (Dan, Rosie)
If It Ain’t Caffeine, It Ain’t No Thang (reprise) (Ensemble)

Lady what?

I don't know anything about pop culture, because a) it makes me feel superior to look down on you people rolling around in that filth and b) I have a terrible memory, as anyone whose special occasion I've forgotten can attest, and I can never remember things I've seen/heard. So every once in a while, a friend casually mentions some pop icon I apparently should know about, and I google them and am confronted with images like this:



Pictures which make me doubt whether they should be allowed to call it pop "culture." This is a person about whom it has been said "her aversion to wearing a top and bottom at the same time...swigging champagne and being fanned by oily men in Speedos [is] very Donatella-esque." This is a person who chooses to be called "Lady Gaga," as in the sound that babies make. This is a person so talented she wrote songs for Britney Spears AND New Kids on the Block.

Go back to Yonkers!

Better than the Spurs this year...ohh!

Poll results

And it's a decisive win for Nuggets in our latest poll. (Or "Nugget," which is what I really should have put.)

Thanks for voting, mystery readers!

Tight race at left

The competition is fierce between Chops, Kebab and Nuggets. 22 hours to go.

There is also Texas-shaped peanut brittle and cheddar cheese

Nate Silver thinks that if Texas really wants to be rebellious, it could split up into five smaller states, including El Norte, Trinity, Gulfland, Plainland, and New Texas.

My question to him is what would happen to Texas-shaped tortilla chips?

Currently:


Under Silver's plan:

I have to stop crying at everything

Did anyone write the great dissertation on spontaneous group performance yet?

Poll update

Readers have been turning out in droves to vote in our latest poll. Evidently, people feel very passionately about their pets and/or meat-related food items.

1129 is my lucky number

I like Quizno's because waiting around for your order feels like a raffle drawing you may or may not win. Everyone stands around clutching their tickets, periodically checking their number to make sure they haven't missed it.

And then, in the end, you do win! You always win! And the prize is a sandwich!

Swashbuckled

And now, for your daily pirate update.

So, let's see here. It seems that Abduwali Abdukhadir Muse--jeez, could've used that name a few days ago when I was writing pirate headlines!--was apprehended by the U.S. authorities and brought to a Lower Manhattan court.


Big smile there! I bet he's got some fabulous and astounding pirate tricks up his sleeve. Probably, his pet monkey will get the key to his cell and help him escape!

So Mr. Muse was charged with piracy--duh--and although his real age is not entirely clear, he'll be tried as an adult. Well, no matter. A pirate's life is not bound by such rules and regulations as "birthdays" and the like! Out on the high seas, what matters is how well you shoot a cannon or festoon a brigand!

Let's see...held without bail, yada yada yada...mandatory life sentence?! We'll see about that, won't we! If Mr. Muse had wanted to be locked away, he would've taken over the family goat herding business instead of running off in search of adventure.

I'm sure the Somalian king will step in any minute now and release him. Perfect. The justice system works.

"Earth Day" -Barack Obama

Here at Smoking Pancakes, Earth Day is everyday, but especially April 22, which is the only day we tend to remember that it's Earth Day.

To celebrate, we had a cupcake with green icing, and only used one plastic plate.


Also, we stuck it to Mother's Day with this trendy logo. Take that, moms!

It always rains gays when I forget my giant gay-repellant umbrella at home

A Gaythering Storm from Jane Lynch

New poll

At left, vote in our latest poll, inspired by Deb.

More great news!

Hey, it's the first time I've been cited on a Wikipedia page. Check it out. I wonder which of my friends connected that...probably the Gelf Magazine intern/Adam Rosen.

Great news!

The Onion was not at all amused by my all-pirate-related headline list this week, so I can publish them here instead, for your enjoyment.

US Military Drops 20,000 Copies Of Treasure Island On Somalia

New York Times Hopes Piracy Crisis Lasts Long Enough To Use “Swashbuckling” In Headline

Obama Delivers Address To Somali Pirates In 3-Cornered Hat Made Of Newspaper

International Community Exploits Pirates' Known Fear Of Tick-Tock Sound To End Crisis In Somalia

Congolese People Hope Wizard-Robot-Astronaut Crisis Will Draw International Attention To Their Problems

Nation Briefly Interested In International Crisis Because It Reminds Them Of Childhood

Somali Internet Piracy Just A Symptom Of Wider Somali E-Problems

Delighted Somalians Divide Treasure Brought In By Pirates

French Navy Uses Telescope Made Of Old Toilet Paper Roll To Locate Somali Pirates

O/E: Point/Counterpoint: Yarr, I'm A Pirate! By Captain Hook vs. I Will Carry Your Head On A Spike Through The Streets Of Mogadishu, By Ismail Hassan, Somali Pirate

We're the grownups now

I'm excited about the new xkcd book, but I'm even more excited by the photo in this morning's New York Times. Did Randall Munroe really make himself a grown-up ballpit?

Just to give you an idea of what my workdays are like

Ring-ring

"Hi, Dale? I guess you're not there, but I just wanted to see if you were available this weekend. Some friends of mine are getting married...the wedding's circus themed, and, well, their clown backed out. So they need a clown to marry them. If you're around, give me a call."

-my coworker on the phone this morning

More

"Gail Collins: We beat the pirates! The brave captain is safe and The Times got to use the word “brigands” in a lead story.

Win win win."

This is what makes it all worthwhile

China Reports Dolphins Foiled Pirate Attack

Avast, ye scurvy mustelidae!

No one ever said it was easy being an otter pirate.

The thing about pirates...

...is that they're swarthy, but man can they belt out a tune.

Consider the following

(Sorry, I don't know what site it's from, but here's a link...)

Watch the whole thing...the end is the best part

I miss "Dr.Katz" but I think this makes up for it.

"qwqqqqqqqqqqqqq

qqqqqqqqqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssxsxzxzxa"

-me, trying to clean strawberry jam off of my computer keyboard

But seriously let's not go to war with any more countries.

The Pirates! In An Adventure With Barack Obama

I know that this is a very serious situation and no laughing matter, but I have to say, this headline did fill my childish heart with glee:

Obama Pledges to Fight Piracy; Pirates Vow Revenge

Yar, there's an adventure afoot!

Shakespeare. Hank Shakespeare.

What if your last name was Shakespeare and you wanted to be a writer?

So you walk into Samuel French and say, "Hello, I'm Mr. Shakespeare."

And they laugh, and say, "No really, what's your name?"

And you say, "Shakespeare. Hank Shakespeare."

And they say, "Hahaha, that's a really splendid joke and all, but come on..."

And you say, "I know, it's confusing, but that's mah name--take it or leave it!" and give them a winning grin.

And they pause for a moment, and then say, "Well, I assume you are planning to use a pen name?"

And you say, "Why should I? People expect a good play from someone with the last name 'Shakespeare.'"

And they say, "People expect a play by Shakespeare from someone with the last name 'Shakespeare.'"

And you say, "Just read the script. Soon, when people hear the name 'Shakespeare,' they'll think of Hank Shakespeare."

And they say, "No offense, but there's no way that is going to happen."

And you say, "Let's see about that!" and read to them from your new play, "Six Trees And A Peony," and they are astounded. They assure you that that is the sort of thing they love over at HitPlays.com, and usher you out the door and into cyberspace.

"I'll be the Shakespeare of the Internet," you think to yourself, but when you get there you find out that the other Shakespeare is already the Shakespeare of the Internet.

TV intro parody

Really Confusing TV Intro - watch more funny videos

Poll results

In a shocking twist of events, pterodactyls have taken the final lead over otters in our poll for what you would like to be if you were not a person. Genies and talking mirrors--which I should point out are not real, so good job not choosing them--lag behind.

What this decisive win for pterodactyls means for the fate of the humble sea otter remains unclear. What is clear, however, is that people want to be able to fly and also to be extinct. Weirdos.

In the immortal words of Bob Dylan, "Sometimes I feel like a kitten failing to climb up a slide."

They're never going to make it up the slide! I can't take it!

There's more...

Nate Silver is calling this race for the otters.

Some more words for the English language

I've finally decided what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be the guy who makes up the words that you have to type in to prove that you are human on the internet. Someone is sitting around making these things up, and I want to be that person. Some of these words are so wonderful! Like "swookers" and "shexomat" and "mripp." Some of them sound like they should actually be words, like "termful," as in something that contains many terms. "Gronic" sounds like an unfortunately chronic groin syndrome, and a "nonister" is a non-issue. "Snedshi" is an Inuit word for snow that's good for sledding. "Surpru!" is what you yell if you're throwing a surprise party but your mouth is full of ice cream. "Grans" is an abbreviation of "Grandma's." I wouldn't want to eat food that was "rallcip" or battle a "Glytor." And we all know what happens if you give a "clome" a "namonin."

What about the iPod?

Why, Martha Rose Shulman? Why?!

Diversity of youth in Oslo Norway.jpg

This photograph is displayed on Wikipedia with the caption: "A group of youth interacting."

(from L-R):
"Ugh, I hate interacting."
"Come on, Rita. Let your belly hang out! You'll see--it's great!"
"No. I hate everything."
"Hey camera. Interact with this guy."
"That girl still crying? What is girls' problem? I'll give her something to cry about when I let this gum roll out the side of my mouth into her hair."

Wild Rice and Brown Rice Salad With Walnuts and Asparagus??!?!

I think right after I posted about my unhealthy obsession with the New York Times' Recipes for Health section, Martha Rose Shulman started making really disgusting-looking recipes. Like today's White Bean Puree, which can be thinned with milk. Ew. Bean puree with milk?! What happened to you, Martha? Scambled Eggs and Assparagus?! There's no cheese in that. Barley and Mushroom Salad with English Peas? A photograph of that does not make my mouth water.

It wasn't so long ago we were enjoying saliva-worthy images of Pureed Potato and Brocolli Soup with Parmesan Croutons and Japanese Spinach with Sesame Dressing and Black Bean Chili.

But now it's all quinoa and walnuts. Get with the program.

The female reproductive system according to the Onion

Grammar hawk, not budget hawk

Open For Questions, a blog featuring the best of the best questions submitted to our dear president.

Here's one of my favorites:
"We are expected to have fiscal responsibility. Why isn't congress and the White House not doing the same thing?"
Metallic, La Marque, TX

The Dirty Garage - watch more funny videos

Vote yes or no

If I had to pick Bristol Palin or Meghan McCain to hang out with, I'd pick Bristol. Because a) she would probably bring one or more babies, and b) her name is spelled like it sounds. I know what you're going to say. You're going to say it's not Meghan's fault that her name is spelled that way or that she's chosen to practice family planning. Well, you can't deny that she chose to wear that giant bow in her hair.

I mean, come on. Let's get real.

From the Onion News Network

Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport

More self promotion? Alright!

An interview with Sarah Schneider I did for Gelf Magazine.

I Love that Fucking Bitch

This is probably my favorite sketch that I ever wrote. The sound quality isn't great cause it's live. Also, the link at the end kind of ruins things, but you get the idea.

It's like when you wrote newsletters in 7th grade

The great thing about Wikinews is that anyone can write about anything!

No wonder

Now I understand why people make movies about the Mafia.

It's no xkcd, but...

Have you seen The Perry Bible Fellowship website?* It's got some very funny cartoons. This is one of my favorites, but the longer I click "random," the more favorites I have.

*Hat-tip to Andrew

...But I fantasize about gestational diabetes

"I chose to get vaccinated because my dreams don't include cervical cancer." -Gardasil commercial

Pee Prank

Watch Hardly Working: Pee Prank on CollegeHumor

I had to do research for a job, and came across this. You know how it is.

How do rich people do it?

Those of you who've loaned me money or mugged me know that I don't carry much cash. I usually only take out about $20 at a time, with the reasoning that if I have more money in my wallet, I will spend it. Even though I know from experience that this has no impact on how much I spend (since I just end up using my free money card, which is cheaper), I still make a habit of it. Also, I often only have about $23 in my bank account. So $20 is the largest amount I can withdraw.

But a couple of days ago, I needed to take out $200, because I was having an improv practice, and paying back my boyfriend for part of a plane ticket. Also, I was getting a hair cut, and I hate putting the tip on my credit card, because then you just have that awkward moment where you’re like “Thank you, looks great,” and the stylist is like, “Thank you, I’m glad you like it,” and then she is still standing there, so you’re like, “I really really like it. It looks perfect,” and she’s like “You’re welcome, you’ve got beautiful hair,” and she kind of smiles at you, and you’re like, “You will be handsomely rewarded, I’m sure” and she’s like, “Oh, you don't have t--” and you say, “Well, got to go,” and then she sweeps off and probably Thinks Bad Thoughts about you.

So I go to the ATM in the CVS across the street, and I withdraw my $200 with kind of a thrill in my chest, because in my world that is A Lot of Money. The 20s come out of the machine pat-pat-pat-pat and I fold them up in my pocket and go back to work.

Later that day, I take them out of my pocket to put in my wallet. But first, I count them, and, horrified, discover there are 2 extra 20s!

Stealing! What bad karma!

Of course, I checked first to make sure I hadn’t accidentally withdrawn $240, but no, there it was on my bank statement: $200.

So I contemplate going back to the ATM, but it wasn’t in a bank, so I would just have to give the money back to a CVS employee, which doesn’t seem 100% right, either, because they’d probably just spend it on booze and pocket-sized Kleenex packets.

Then I thought I would give it to a homeless person. I’d wrap the money in a single, so as not to make a scene when I dropped it in their bucket.

I decided to go back to the ATM, get the phone number off of it, and then if they were like, “Keep it, lady,” I’d call my mom to ask her what the Talmud says about this sort of thing.

On my way back from the ATM, I suddenly realized that there are 5 $20 bills in a $100. Not 4, like with quarters in a dollar (a denomination I deal with much more frequently), but 5.

Which led to my one allotted use of the word “retarded” for today.

After seeing Finding Nemo, I swore I'd never eat fish again. After seeing Wall-E, I swore I'd never eat robots again.

Some fish are happy fish.

And some fish are sad fish.