Not a new Shouts and Murmurs by Andy Borowitz but I hadn't read it yet. How can people say Shouts and Murmur isn't funny? (I'll grant that the Borowitz Report is pretty uneven.)
"The secret to my success could be boiled down to three little words: my quiet time. It begins at 1 A.M., when I get out of bed, check my e-mail, brush my teeth, scan some documents, and floss. Then I’ll surf the Web, maybe order a sectional couch or trade zloty futures."
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