Wednesday, March 26, 2008

The News Today Is Bad

I guess.

Another Onion headline

Check it out! Hilarious!

Also, check out this interview I did with comedian Kumail Nanjiani. He seems like a pretty cool dude. The interview is terrible but go see him perform anyway.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Cheap Joke About Dick Cheney

This photo demonstrates everything wrong with American involvement in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

How long can we expect Mr. Abbas to stand there with his hand outstretched, grinning like an idiot, while Mr. Cheney's visual receptors send a message to his brain which indicate to the nerves in his arm to begin moving slightly forward?

Perhaps he is wondering if Mr. Abbas wants to slap five or do some other kind of cool West Bank-style handshake Mr. Cheney will not know how to do.

Maybe he is afraid he will not have the skills required to pull his hand back quickly and snap, then pound it, or--worse yet--to wiggle his fingers among Mr. Abbas' while making a high pitched victory twitter.

Maybe he thought Mr. Abbas was about to give him something, like a sugary treat or the key to Ramallah, and he is quietly reframing the information at hand, given the emptiness of Mr. Abbas' palm.

Either way, his hesitation is costly.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Recipes Modified for People Who Don't Think Ahead

* Prepare the marinade 1 hour before it occurs to you to cook chicken for dinner.

* Refrigerate dough the night before you decide to bake cookies.

* Melt chocolate in the nonstick saucepan you never got back from your friend Sheila.

* Have soaked beans overnight.

* Assemble the raw ginger and buttermilk you bought last week just in case.

* Substitute your cooking skills for the skills of someone who has taken a class in German cuisine.

* Reduce your loneliness by having invited people over to share all this food with you.

Friday, March 7, 2008

My first Onion headline!

Check it out here. I wrote the headline, the Onion wrote the article, wise internet surfers dugg it.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Full Cookie Poll Results Expected Late Friday

I don't think it's too early to say that the one-vote margin by which chocolate chip clinched this poll is nothing less than a mandate demanding more chocolate chip cookies in future blog posts.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

True Love (Part 2)

What I Learned About True Love From The Movies:

You know it's true love when...

- The band strikes up when your eyes meet across the room (Casablanca)

- Your foot "pops" when you kiss him (The Princess Diaries)

- You find yourselves rolling down a hill in a compromising position (The Lion King)

- He owns a rival bookstore (You've Got Mail)

- He wrote that thing in the law firm with the fish and the clients and the thing and he's Tom Cruise (Jerry Maguire)

- You literally have his first wife's bloody heart beating in your chest (Return to Me)

- He doesn't mind that you're a bit of a cold fish (Finding Nemo)

- He can't catch a cab on New Year's (When Harry Met Sally)

- You go for walks together even though you have lupus or whatever (A Walk To Remember)

- He's your ex-step-brother (Clueless)

- His wife is dead (Sleepless in Seattle)

- You are played by Meg Ryan and he is played by Tom Hanks (Everything)

- He doesn't let the neighbor's rotten kid tie you to a firework and shoot you into the sky cause you've got a friend in him (Toy Story)

- Your reconstructed dinosaur egg is artificially fertilized by his paleolithic sperm resulting in an unholy act of human creation (Jurassic Park)

Saturday, March 1, 2008

See below...

...for my first post in a series on True Love, the overwhelming winner of the Smoking Pancakes blog-topic poll. The two-vote margin by which True Love won the poll amounts to nothing less than a mandate for more blogging on the subject. And I am only a tool of the divine, following the injunction of His subjects. Stay tuned for more.

True Love (Part 1)

Wedding Announcements

March 2, 2008

Fran Somers, a Manhattan-based pediatrician, met and married Louis Pinzer, a Doubletree Hotel employee, when he came down into Ballroom B to inform her that Philip Erlanger, her fiancé, would not be joining Ms. Somers at the altar. The bride will keep her name, and a small portion of her dignity.

Annabelle Leubling of Poughkeepsie, who always swore she would never get married, and Peter Schmidt of Lubbock finally tied the knot this Saturday in a small civil ceremony. Ms. Leubling was still swearing as her father, Paul Leubling of Providence, dragged her into the courthouse.

Miriam B. Hirschfeld married Solomon Michael Berkowitz, a nice Jewish boy, at the Prince Hotel, a perfectly nice establishment, on Sunday, a nice day for a wedding. Rabbi Chaim Fretzman, who did a nice enough job at the Kolokoff wedding, officiated.

Louisa Elizabeth Prescott wed Mason Winston Prescott, her first cousin, in an embarrassing mix-up!

Maggie, a black-lab/collie mix and King Alex, a sweet ol’ mutt, were married by Eliza Cassandra Brown of Pineapple Street Tuesday. The bride wore a ballet tutu around her neck and the groom wore a top hat. The ceremony came to an abrupt end when Maggie saw a stick and ran off.