Dearest Hiring Manager,
My lips trembled when I saw your posting for the position of Administrative/Editorial Assistant. Alas, I have been rejected time and time again, and I find myself as a thirsty woman in the desert, clinging to the cactus that is Random House. Though I have striven to repel the impulses that lead me to compose this cover letter, even now I am pulled onward, onward by the thought of the retirement plan you may one day grant me. Health benefits aside, my loins ache for the chance to have my very own cubicle, where I could display a portrait of your holy visage, until Human Resources asked me to take it down.
I am attaching a list of the inane activities I have heretofore used to distract myself from you, my one and only love, whose name drips like honey from the tip of my tongue: Hiring Manager.
With my undying love,
Pancake Lady
XOXOXOXO
2 comments:
I like the part where you say your "loins ache" and "drips like honey from the tip of my tongue." I was strangely aroused on this typically unsexy Wednesday afternoon.
I once wrote an actual cover letter to Late Night at Conan O'Brien about how this opportunity had allowed me to finally fulfill my lifelong dream of writing a cover letter for Conan O'Brien.
I got the internship
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