I'm eating Purell

The New York Times asked readers what they were doing differently in response to the swine flu outbreak. Here's my favorite reply:

"I’m wearing a mask. But I always wear a mask. It’s who I am."

Coffee! The Musical

Act I
If It Ain’t Caffeine It Ain’t No Thang (Ensemble)
Roasted (Rosie, Mrs. Hemingway, the Professor)
These Viennese Blues (Dan)
(I Guess You Think It's A) Fair Trade (Rosie, Ensemble)
Grounds (Dan, Dr. Munroe)
Two Sugars (Rosie, Mrs. Hemingway)
These Viennese Blues (reprise) (Rosie, Ensemble)

INTERMISSION

Act II
Joe (Dan, Mrs. Hemingway, the Professor)
Can't Vacuum Pack Me (Joe)
Another Cup? (Dr. Munroe, Mrs. Hemingway)
Hot and Cold (Joe, Rosie)
Boy Am I Steamed (Dan, Ensemble)
Give It to Me Black (Dan, Joe)
Espress-o-your-love To Me (Dan, Rosie)
If It Ain’t Caffeine, It Ain’t No Thang (reprise) (Ensemble)

Lady what?

I don't know anything about pop culture, because a) it makes me feel superior to look down on you people rolling around in that filth and b) I have a terrible memory, as anyone whose special occasion I've forgotten can attest, and I can never remember things I've seen/heard. So every once in a while, a friend casually mentions some pop icon I apparently should know about, and I google them and am confronted with images like this:



Pictures which make me doubt whether they should be allowed to call it pop "culture." This is a person about whom it has been said "her aversion to wearing a top and bottom at the same time...swigging champagne and being fanned by oily men in Speedos [is] very Donatella-esque." This is a person who chooses to be called "Lady Gaga," as in the sound that babies make. This is a person so talented she wrote songs for Britney Spears AND New Kids on the Block.

Go back to Yonkers!

Better than the Spurs this year...ohh!

Poll results

And it's a decisive win for Nuggets in our latest poll. (Or "Nugget," which is what I really should have put.)

Thanks for voting, mystery readers!

Tight race at left

The competition is fierce between Chops, Kebab and Nuggets. 22 hours to go.

There is also Texas-shaped peanut brittle and cheddar cheese

Nate Silver thinks that if Texas really wants to be rebellious, it could split up into five smaller states, including El Norte, Trinity, Gulfland, Plainland, and New Texas.

My question to him is what would happen to Texas-shaped tortilla chips?

Currently:


Under Silver's plan:

I have to stop crying at everything

Did anyone write the great dissertation on spontaneous group performance yet?

Poll update

Readers have been turning out in droves to vote in our latest poll. Evidently, people feel very passionately about their pets and/or meat-related food items.

1129 is my lucky number

I like Quizno's because waiting around for your order feels like a raffle drawing you may or may not win. Everyone stands around clutching their tickets, periodically checking their number to make sure they haven't missed it.

And then, in the end, you do win! You always win! And the prize is a sandwich!

Swashbuckled

And now, for your daily pirate update.

So, let's see here. It seems that Abduwali Abdukhadir Muse--jeez, could've used that name a few days ago when I was writing pirate headlines!--was apprehended by the U.S. authorities and brought to a Lower Manhattan court.


Big smile there! I bet he's got some fabulous and astounding pirate tricks up his sleeve. Probably, his pet monkey will get the key to his cell and help him escape!

So Mr. Muse was charged with piracy--duh--and although his real age is not entirely clear, he'll be tried as an adult. Well, no matter. A pirate's life is not bound by such rules and regulations as "birthdays" and the like! Out on the high seas, what matters is how well you shoot a cannon or festoon a brigand!

Let's see...held without bail, yada yada yada...mandatory life sentence?! We'll see about that, won't we! If Mr. Muse had wanted to be locked away, he would've taken over the family goat herding business instead of running off in search of adventure.

I'm sure the Somalian king will step in any minute now and release him. Perfect. The justice system works.

"Earth Day" -Barack Obama

Here at Smoking Pancakes, Earth Day is everyday, but especially April 22, which is the only day we tend to remember that it's Earth Day.

To celebrate, we had a cupcake with green icing, and only used one plastic plate.


Also, we stuck it to Mother's Day with this trendy logo. Take that, moms!

It always rains gays when I forget my giant gay-repellant umbrella at home

A Gaythering Storm from Jane Lynch

New poll

At left, vote in our latest poll, inspired by Deb.

More great news!

Hey, it's the first time I've been cited on a Wikipedia page. Check it out. I wonder which of my friends connected that...probably the Gelf Magazine intern/Adam Rosen.

Great news!

The Onion was not at all amused by my all-pirate-related headline list this week, so I can publish them here instead, for your enjoyment.

US Military Drops 20,000 Copies Of Treasure Island On Somalia

New York Times Hopes Piracy Crisis Lasts Long Enough To Use “Swashbuckling” In Headline

Obama Delivers Address To Somali Pirates In 3-Cornered Hat Made Of Newspaper

International Community Exploits Pirates' Known Fear Of Tick-Tock Sound To End Crisis In Somalia

Congolese People Hope Wizard-Robot-Astronaut Crisis Will Draw International Attention To Their Problems

Nation Briefly Interested In International Crisis Because It Reminds Them Of Childhood

Somali Internet Piracy Just A Symptom Of Wider Somali E-Problems

Delighted Somalians Divide Treasure Brought In By Pirates

French Navy Uses Telescope Made Of Old Toilet Paper Roll To Locate Somali Pirates

O/E: Point/Counterpoint: Yarr, I'm A Pirate! By Captain Hook vs. I Will Carry Your Head On A Spike Through The Streets Of Mogadishu, By Ismail Hassan, Somali Pirate

We're the grownups now

I'm excited about the new xkcd book, but I'm even more excited by the photo in this morning's New York Times. Did Randall Munroe really make himself a grown-up ballpit?

Just to give you an idea of what my workdays are like

Ring-ring

"Hi, Dale? I guess you're not there, but I just wanted to see if you were available this weekend. Some friends of mine are getting married...the wedding's circus themed, and, well, their clown backed out. So they need a clown to marry them. If you're around, give me a call."

-my coworker on the phone this morning

More

"Gail Collins: We beat the pirates! The brave captain is safe and The Times got to use the word “brigands” in a lead story.

Win win win."

This is what makes it all worthwhile

China Reports Dolphins Foiled Pirate Attack

Avast, ye scurvy mustelidae!

No one ever said it was easy being an otter pirate.

The thing about pirates...

...is that they're swarthy, but man can they belt out a tune.

Consider the following

(Sorry, I don't know what site it's from, but here's a link...)

Watch the whole thing...the end is the best part

I miss "Dr.Katz" but I think this makes up for it.

"qwqqqqqqqqqqqqq

qqqqqqqqqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwqwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssxsxzxzxa"

-me, trying to clean strawberry jam off of my computer keyboard

But seriously let's not go to war with any more countries.

The Pirates! In An Adventure With Barack Obama

I know that this is a very serious situation and no laughing matter, but I have to say, this headline did fill my childish heart with glee:

Obama Pledges to Fight Piracy; Pirates Vow Revenge

Yar, there's an adventure afoot!

Shakespeare. Hank Shakespeare.

What if your last name was Shakespeare and you wanted to be a writer?

So you walk into Samuel French and say, "Hello, I'm Mr. Shakespeare."

And they laugh, and say, "No really, what's your name?"

And you say, "Shakespeare. Hank Shakespeare."

And they say, "Hahaha, that's a really splendid joke and all, but come on..."

And you say, "I know, it's confusing, but that's mah name--take it or leave it!" and give them a winning grin.

And they pause for a moment, and then say, "Well, I assume you are planning to use a pen name?"

And you say, "Why should I? People expect a good play from someone with the last name 'Shakespeare.'"

And they say, "People expect a play by Shakespeare from someone with the last name 'Shakespeare.'"

And you say, "Just read the script. Soon, when people hear the name 'Shakespeare,' they'll think of Hank Shakespeare."

And they say, "No offense, but there's no way that is going to happen."

And you say, "Let's see about that!" and read to them from your new play, "Six Trees And A Peony," and they are astounded. They assure you that that is the sort of thing they love over at HitPlays.com, and usher you out the door and into cyberspace.

"I'll be the Shakespeare of the Internet," you think to yourself, but when you get there you find out that the other Shakespeare is already the Shakespeare of the Internet.

TV intro parody

Really Confusing TV Intro - watch more funny videos

Poll results

In a shocking twist of events, pterodactyls have taken the final lead over otters in our poll for what you would like to be if you were not a person. Genies and talking mirrors--which I should point out are not real, so good job not choosing them--lag behind.

What this decisive win for pterodactyls means for the fate of the humble sea otter remains unclear. What is clear, however, is that people want to be able to fly and also to be extinct. Weirdos.

In the immortal words of Bob Dylan, "Sometimes I feel like a kitten failing to climb up a slide."

They're never going to make it up the slide! I can't take it!

There's more...

Nate Silver is calling this race for the otters.

Some more words for the English language

I've finally decided what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be the guy who makes up the words that you have to type in to prove that you are human on the internet. Someone is sitting around making these things up, and I want to be that person. Some of these words are so wonderful! Like "swookers" and "shexomat" and "mripp." Some of them sound like they should actually be words, like "termful," as in something that contains many terms. "Gronic" sounds like an unfortunately chronic groin syndrome, and a "nonister" is a non-issue. "Snedshi" is an Inuit word for snow that's good for sledding. "Surpru!" is what you yell if you're throwing a surprise party but your mouth is full of ice cream. "Grans" is an abbreviation of "Grandma's." I wouldn't want to eat food that was "rallcip" or battle a "Glytor." And we all know what happens if you give a "clome" a "namonin."

What about the iPod?

Why, Martha Rose Shulman? Why?!