The News Today Is Bad

I guess.

Another Onion headline

Check it out! Hilarious!

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/area_5_year_old_telling

Also, check out this interview I did with comedian Kumail Nanjiani. He seems like a pretty cool dude. The interview is terrible but go see him perform anyway.

Cheap Joke About Dick Cheney

This photo demonstrates everything wrong with American involvement in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

How long can we expect Mr. Abbas to stand there with his hand outstretched, grinning like an idiot, while Mr. Cheney's visual receptors send a message to his brain which indicate to the nerves in his arm to begin moving slightly forward?

Perhaps he is wondering if Mr. Abbas wants to slap five or do some other kind of cool West Bank-style handshake Mr. Cheney will not know how to do.

Maybe he is afraid he will not have the skills required to pull his hand back quickly and snap, then pound it, or--worse yet--to wiggle his fingers among Mr. Abbas' while making a high pitched victory twitter.

Maybe he thought Mr. Abbas was about to give him something, like a sugary treat or the key to Ramallah, and he is quietly reframing the information at hand, given the emptiness of Mr. Abbas' palm.

Either way, his hesitation is costly.

Recipes Modified for People Who Don't Think Ahead

* Prepare the marinade 1 hour before it occurs to you to cook chicken for dinner.

* Refrigerate dough the night before you decide to bake cookies.

* Melt chocolate in the nonstick saucepan you never got back from your friend Sheila.

* Have soaked beans overnight.

* Assemble the raw ginger and buttermilk you bought last week just in case.

* Substitute your cooking skills for the skills of someone who has taken a class in German cuisine.

* Reduce your loneliness by having invited people over to share all this food with you.

My first Onion headline!

Check it out here. I wrote the headline, the Onion wrote the article, wise internet surfers dugg it.

Full Cookie Poll Results Expected Late Friday

I don't think it's too early to say that the one-vote margin by which chocolate chip clinched this poll is nothing less than a mandate demanding more chocolate chip cookies in future blog posts.

True Love (Part 2)

What I Learned About True Love From The Movies:

You know it's true love when...

- The band strikes up when your eyes meet across the room (Casablanca)

- Your foot "pops" when you kiss him (The Princess Diaries)

- You find yourselves rolling down a hill in a compromising position (The Lion King)

- He owns a rival bookstore (You've Got Mail)

- He wrote that thing in the law firm with the fish and the clients and the thing and he's Tom Cruise (Jerry Maguire)

- You literally have his first wife's bloody heart beating in your chest (Return to Me)

- He doesn't mind that you're a bit of a cold fish (Finding Nemo)

- He can't catch a cab on New Year's (When Harry Met Sally)

- You go for walks together even though you have lupus or whatever (A Walk To Remember)

- He's your ex-step-brother (Clueless)

- His wife is dead (Sleepless in Seattle)

- You are played by Meg Ryan and he is played by Tom Hanks (Everything)

- He doesn't let the neighbor's rotten kid tie you to a firework and shoot you into the sky cause you've got a friend in him (Toy Story)

- Your reconstructed dinosaur egg is artificially fertilized by his paleolithic sperm resulting in an unholy act of human creation (Jurassic Park)