Welcome to Elmhurst Hospital

That's a real photo of the hospital where my boyfriend works.

Remember

yesterday when Gmail was out for like an hour and a half and everyone was talking about it the whole time and afterwards because it's something we all have in common and there was this wonderful sense of fellowship in every "refresh" or "reload"?

I think I look for signs of camaraderie every September.

This town ain't big enough

Yesterday, I was shopping with my sister, and I bumped into this woman with my purse. I immediately apologized. She responded by slamming her purse into me as hard as she could. When I realized she'd intentionally hit me, I turned to her to apologize again.

"Look, it was really an accident. I'm sorry I hit you, " I said. She didn't reply and gave me an evil look. At that point, my sister--not a New Yorker--grabbed my arm and walked me away in the other direction.

But you want to know the truth? It wasn't an accident. I ran into that old hag on purpose. In fact, I was carrying around an iron so that the impact of my purse would really hurt (I was really carrying around an iron--long story). I just didn't like the look of her, the way she was muscling in on all the medium sized white camisoles in Old Navy. I wanted to hurt her, to show her whose town this is, and which of us that particular Old Navy belongs to. (Me.)

I hope she bruises easily.

I didn't read this article

In New York City, Fewer Murders on Rainy Days

I didn't read this article, but I'm guessing the murderers get all organized--gloves, weapon, disguise--and then realize when they've gotten downstairs that they've forgotten their umbrella. But if they run back upstairs to get it, it'll throw their timing off and ruin their alibi.

So much preparation--wasted!

"Oh screw it," they say, and spend the rest of the night drinking Bailey's and watching "So You Think You Can Dance."

Overheard

Mom: You don't hate flowers. Nobody hates flowers.

Kid: I hate flowers.

I'm eating Purell

The New York Times asked readers what they were doing differently in response to the swine flu outbreak. Here's my favorite reply:

"I’m wearing a mask. But I always wear a mask. It’s who I am."

Stupid people are stupid

This morning on the train I was seated for several stops on the train next to one of those awful blond people with a Chanel bag. Everything this woman did was designed to make me hate her. She swept her perfectly waved blond hair out of her face to reapply her lipstick and gloss, removed her Burberry sunglasses and replaced them in their case. Then, she took out her *pink* Blackberry to check a few things—probably People.com—and finally turned up the volume on her iTouch so that I could hear the thumping in the background of the latest Katy Perry single.

Every single one of the defense mechanisms I built up in a high school full of people like this came crashing out of the gate. “Boy, she looks dumb with all that make-up on,” I thought. “I bet she think it’s cool to be stupid.” “I’ll just continue reading my theology book called ‘The River of Light’” and “I think my purple painted fingernails look funky, so I don’t care if hers are perfectly manicured” and finally, inevitably: “What a cunt.”

Only then, in my head, she started responding to what I was thinking and told ME that I was the one with a problem and that I really ought to dress up and enjoy life while I was young and beautiful. And she said nobody likes poor people, and that why didn’t I brush my hair?

So I punched the bitch, and in my rage, I got off at the wrong stop.

I need to get out of this city.

The thing about U-Haul is

it sucks.

It's clear that the people who work there do not want to be there. It's far away, by bus or walking. It's impossible to drive giant vans/trucks in the city. They take forever to do anything, and then make you feel like a dork for asking if you can rent blankets--not because they don't have blankets but just because it builds them up to put other people down. Then they make you fill up the gas afterward.

That's why I'm starting my own moving van rental facility. It will be called Awesome Van or maybe Van's the Man. It will be located right next door to wherever you are moving things from. A complimentary driver will be assisted by two burly yet gentle men, who will delicately remove your furniture from your dwelling and place it in the van, which will come pre-cushioned for your convenience. You will be ferried to your destination in a Vespa or something else cool. After they move your things with the grace of very strong swans, the driver will return the van for you, and then offer not to charge you because they weren't finished in under half an hour. The cost of the amount of gas you used will be credited by the company to the green charity of your choice.

Why I'm not raising kids in New York

This kid.

Found poetry on the subject of commuting

The text of this poem comes from an email from my roommate, which is especially timely because I just hate people on the subway sometimes, don't you like totally sometimes too?

People seem to think
that if they push
their way onto the train
before you get off,
that's the right thing to do.
People also seem to think
that if they push off
the train before you,
their lives will be
immeasurably improved
because there is now one person
behind them
getting off the train.
This is why
I think
we need to impose
a radical population reduction program.
Shoot
people who are rude
during subway commutes.