Violent conflicts named for minor body parts

War of Jenkins’ Ear

Massacre at Wounded Knee

Battle of the Butt Cheek

Jeff’s Left Pinky Toe Altercation

The Belly Button Crusade

Hangnail Genocide

Estrogen, anyone?

Things online that made me cry today:

• Personal essay about life-long battle with depression
• Column about women balancing doctoring and motherhood
• Blog posts about pregnancy on Dooce and comments
  
• Judith Warner (who I hate) on entering middle age
• Video of the Frugal Traveler traveling with baby
• Irene Curie Wikipedia page
• Recipe for Middle Eastern avocado puree

Great news!

The Onion was not at all amused by my all-pirate-related headline list this week, so I can publish them here instead, for your enjoyment.

US Military Drops 20,000 Copies Of Treasure Island On Somalia

New York Times Hopes Piracy Crisis Lasts Long Enough To Use “Swashbuckling” In Headline

Obama Delivers Address To Somali Pirates In 3-Cornered Hat Made Of Newspaper

International Community Exploits Pirates' Known Fear Of Tick-Tock Sound To End Crisis In Somalia

Congolese People Hope Wizard-Robot-Astronaut Crisis Will Draw International Attention To Their Problems

Nation Briefly Interested In International Crisis Because It Reminds Them Of Childhood

Somali Internet Piracy Just A Symptom Of Wider Somali E-Problems

Delighted Somalians Divide Treasure Brought In By Pirates

French Navy Uses Telescope Made Of Old Toilet Paper Roll To Locate Somali Pirates

O/E: Point/Counterpoint: Yarr, I'm A Pirate! By Captain Hook vs. I Will Carry Your Head On A Spike Through The Streets Of Mogadishu, By Ismail Hassan, Somali Pirate

Licks of Love

Books that are embarrassing to read on the subway because people might think you are reading a self-help book and jump to all kinds of conclusions:

Alternatives to Sex by Steven McCauley
How to be Alone by Jonathan Franzen
Fates Worse Than Death by Kurt Vonnegut
I Married a Communist by Philip Roth
A Good Man is Hard to Find by Flannery O’Connor
Problems by John Updike
Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler

Creepy words that end in -kle in honor of the day

tickle
trickle
tinkle
twinkle
wrinkle
cackle
crackle
heckle
grackle
knuckle
prickle
fickle
rankle
besprinkle

Brand Names Rejected by Honest Tea:

Unwieltea (comes in an enormous bottle)
Calamitea (whatever you do, don't open the bottle)
Adversitea (proceeds go to orphans)
Difficultea (hard to digest)
Dirtea (is that even tea floating around in there?)
Smuttea (inside of label conceals picture of naked woman)
Tragetea (made with real tears)

All the world's a stage...

and all the men and women want to be playwrights.

I'm directing a short play this fall and as part of the theater's arrangement, I have to choose from a list of selected scripts written by up-and-coming female authors. So far I have read scripts on the following topics:

Murder (3)
Ghosts only the protagonist can see (2)
Dissolving marriages (2)
Dissolving relationships (2)
Gang rape (1)
Alcoholism (1)
People who don't realize they themselves are ghosts (1)
Satanism (1)

I'm going to ask if I can do "The Odd Couple."

Keep your thoughts about Miley Cyrus to yourself

It’s days like these, when I feel stifled by my own inadequacy—“Thursdays”—that I like to list people who were older than me when they achieved things:

Age 29 – Oprah Winfrey gets her own T.V. show

Age 30 – Steve Martin first appears on the Tonight Show

Age 30 - Kurt Vonnegut publishes his first novel, "Player Piano" (to be fair he was fighting in WWII and stuff)

Age 31 – Neil Simon writes his first play

Age 31 – Judy Blume publishes her first novel

Age 33 – Virginia Woolf writes her first novel, the Voyage Out

Age 34 – Margaret Edson produces her first and only play, “Wit”

Age 36 – Christopher Guest has his one-season stint on SNL

Age 36 – Dave Barry gets his gig writing a humor column for the Miami Herald

Age 38 – George Saunders publishes first collection of short stories

Age 40 - Eric Carle publishes "The Very Hungry Caterpillar"

Age 45 - Roald Dahl writes "James and the Giant Peach"

Age 46 - E.B. White publishes his first children's novel (never mind that the New Yorker printed his first essay at age 26)

Age 57 – George Washington becomes president

I’m gonna flip out when I turn 40.