When did an "Act of Congress" become as unlikely as an "Act of God"?

Dead-on Obama impression. Okay sketch.

Obama Debunks Birther Conspiracy - watch more funny videos

Poll results

And it's a decisive win for Nuggets in our latest poll. (Or "Nugget," which is what I really should have put.)

Thanks for voting, mystery readers!

Tight race at left

The competition is fierce between Chops, Kebab and Nuggets. 22 hours to go.

Poll update

Readers have been turning out in droves to vote in our latest poll. Evidently, people feel very passionately about their pets and/or meat-related food items.

Poll results

In a shocking twist of events, pterodactyls have taken the final lead over otters in our poll for what you would like to be if you were not a person. Genies and talking mirrors--which I should point out are not real, so good job not choosing them--lag behind.

What this decisive win for pterodactyls means for the fate of the humble sea otter remains unclear. What is clear, however, is that people want to be able to fly and also to be extinct. Weirdos.

There's more...

Nate Silver is calling this race for the otters.

Vote yes or no

If I had to pick Bristol Palin or Meghan McCain to hang out with, I'd pick Bristol. Because a) she would probably bring one or more babies, and b) her name is spelled like it sounds. I know what you're going to say. You're going to say it's not Meghan's fault that her name is spelled that way or that she's chosen to practice family planning. Well, you can't deny that she chose to wear that giant bow in her hair.

I mean, come on. Let's get real.

Daschle's glasses

"flashy" -the new york post
"snazzy" -buzzfeed
"...illustrate poor judgment" -poster on actuarial outpost
"a harbinger of doom...determined-to-be-hip" -maureen dowd
"kinda fruity lookin'" -poster on sigforum ("quality firearms, quality discussion")

Lesson Plan for February 12

Gather round, children! Today we are celebrating a very special occasion. Our nation’s sixteenth president, Abraham Lincoln, would have celebrated his 200th birthday today. But he isn’t celebrating with us, because he’s dead.

Lincoln was an important advocate for national unity during a time of war. He helped bring an end to the tragic history of slavery in this country. Then, he was shot by John Wilkes Booth. He held on for a bit, but soon he died.

None of that changes the wonderful event we’re celebrating today—the birth of a great man who would be dead by now anyway, even if he hadn’t been assassinated.

So please, take a look at the age-appropriate biographies we’ve selected for you, visit the “wax museum” of important figures from the Lincoln Era, and enjoy some of these delicious top hat-shaped sugar cookies, decorated by Mrs. Smithson, our 3rd grade PTA representative.

And if you take away anything from today’s activities, let it be this: we’re all going to die someday; and probably, in 200 years, no one will care if we ever lived.

Second and a half course

They were followed by pureed sweet potatoes and then miniature corn muffins, into which a small piece of corn husk had been baked. A 2005 Goldeneye Pinot Noir accompanied the main course.

Dessert service was interrupted when Senator Ted Kennedy, who is undergoing treatment for brain cancer, had a seizure and was rushed to the hospital.

But the show must go on and a cinnamon apple cake with vanilla bean ice cream, sautéed apple cubes and sauce was served with Korbel champagne.

That description of the post-inaugural luncheon can by found on the New York Times blog. Apparently, the food section of the inaugural website was the most visited leading up to the big day. The site offers views of the china (replicas of the Lincoln china) and centerpieces (hideous clashing pink and red roses) that were used at the luncheon. You can also download the recipes from the last three inaugural luncheons so that you and your American Girl Doll can experience this Great Moment in American History at home.

What they don't tell you is that Kennedy's seizure was accompanied by a 2007 Sauvignon Blanc from Napa Valley.

U.S. Feebly Condemns Israeli Airstrikes Over Gaza

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice affirmed today that the United States will continue to feebly condemn Israeli airstrikes over Gaza.

“The United States fully supports Israel’s right to defend herself, but we will almost dispute Israel stepping over the bounds of self-defense,” Rice said, in a whisper that could only be heard by those closest to her in the hall.

Tuesday was the fourth consecutive day of airstrikes by the Israeli military. Israeli officials offer no hope for a ceasefire, despite the United States’ suggestion that they think things through a bit more.

“We take seriously the halfhearted concerns of the United States. It pains us to hear that we are performing operations that our ally is maybe not 100% comfortable with,” said Tzipi Livni, Israel’s Foreign Affairs Minister and acting Prime Minister.

“It’s not that I think they’re totally bad,” Rice mumbled, referring to the targeted attacks of known Hamas facilities that have nonetheless led to the deaths of at least 60 civilians. She then shrugged. “It’s just kinda like, hey, come on, guys.”

Rice added that the United States will maintain its tepid commitment to diplomatic relations.

What a gas

I'm gonna canvass for the Republicans next election, as a gag.