Chimps iz so smart!

Look, they can make a movie! If by "make a movie" you mean variously try to eat, break, or make sex at a video camera someone decided to throw into their cage.

Too bad it came out slightly too late to be nominated for a Best Picture Oscar.

Welcome to Elmhurst Hospital

That's a real photo of the hospital where my boyfriend works.

I know what you're thinking

But only beef can be served on Krispy Kreme doughnuts...! Not so, you small-minded little oyster! Fried chicken makes an excellent substitute for those in the business of putting things that do not belong in donuts in donuts.

Why you should never google "naked mole rat"

Shakespeare. Hank Shakespeare.

What if your last name was Shakespeare and you wanted to be a writer?

So you walk into Samuel French and say, "Hello, I'm Mr. Shakespeare."

And they laugh, and say, "No really, what's your name?"

And you say, "Shakespeare. Hank Shakespeare."

And they say, "Hahaha, that's a really splendid joke and all, but come on..."

And you say, "I know, it's confusing, but that's mah name--take it or leave it!" and give them a winning grin.

And they pause for a moment, and then say, "Well, I assume you are planning to use a pen name?"

And you say, "Why should I? People expect a good play from someone with the last name 'Shakespeare.'"

And they say, "People expect a play by Shakespeare from someone with the last name 'Shakespeare.'"

And you say, "Just read the script. Soon, when people hear the name 'Shakespeare,' they'll think of Hank Shakespeare."

And they say, "No offense, but there's no way that is going to happen."

And you say, "Let's see about that!" and read to them from your new play, "Six Trees And A Peony," and they are astounded. They assure you that that is the sort of thing they love over at HitPlays.com, and usher you out the door and into cyberspace.

"I'll be the Shakespeare of the Internet," you think to yourself, but when you get there you find out that the other Shakespeare is already the Shakespeare of the Internet.

Some more words for the English language

I've finally decided what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be the guy who makes up the words that you have to type in to prove that you are human on the internet. Someone is sitting around making these things up, and I want to be that person. Some of these words are so wonderful! Like "swookers" and "shexomat" and "mripp." Some of them sound like they should actually be words, like "termful," as in something that contains many terms. "Gronic" sounds like an unfortunately chronic groin syndrome, and a "nonister" is a non-issue. "Snedshi" is an Inuit word for snow that's good for sledding. "Surpru!" is what you yell if you're throwing a surprise party but your mouth is full of ice cream. "Grans" is an abbreviation of "Grandma's." I wouldn't want to eat food that was "rallcip" or battle a "Glytor." And we all know what happens if you give a "clome" a "namonin."

Seen it.

Australian pilot makes crash landing in water

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Happy baby crocodiles

I'm not really an animal person, per se, but who can resist animals that look like they are smiling? And most baby animals except for newborn pandas?

You are the One, Neo

I don't think I would want to eat this

cake that looks like a hamburger

Licks of Love

Books that are embarrassing to read on the subway because people might think you are reading a self-help book and jump to all kinds of conclusions:

Alternatives to Sex by Steven McCauley
How to be Alone by Jonathan Franzen
Fates Worse Than Death by Kurt Vonnegut
I Married a Communist by Philip Roth
A Good Man is Hard to Find by Flannery O’Connor
Problems by John Updike
Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler

The ScAriEsT day of the year!!!!!

Thou Shalt Not Covet

But all I want is earrings that look like a hat and a hat that looks like earrings.

Saint Snuffles

You can see more images of pious pets here.

The makers of the site explain: "The idea on how to pay tribute to pets was realized by the ability of making small cards that depict different pets as saints."

Sure, I get it.

When donuts go bad

I guess I missed the bandwagon on these bacon cheeseburgers in a Krispy Kreme bun (allegedly made for the head of Google's cafeteria staff on their birthday). What amazed me most was not just the concept, which is cute--if disgusting--but the fact that they made so many! How many people were actually willing to eat one? Then a little research revealed that this is not an isolated affair. A minor league baseball team in St. Louis makes them. Here is a gallery of Krispy Kreme burgers from "around the world." At some point, you have to throw up your hands and admit that it is sort of delicious sounding.