A little something for my spam commenters

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Ending breast cancer. Replacing it with diabetes.

This is really really real.

KFC's Buckets for the Cure

Disputed isle in Bay of Bengal disappears into sea

For nearly 30 years, India and Bangladesh have argued over control of a tiny rock island in the Bay of Bengal. Now rising sea levels have resolved the dispute for them: the island's gone.

New Moore Island in the Sunderbans has been completely submerged, said oceanographer Sugata Hazra, a professor at Jadavpur University in Calcutta. Its disappearance has been confirmed by satellite imagery and sea patrols, he said.

Powder in Montana Envelope Just Crushed Pain Pill

So the story starts out by telling you that state officials in Montana are fine, after they discovered that a white powder in some mail they got was just a crushed up pain pill.

No, it wasn't put there on purpose to scare them. Apparently, some lady just accidentally dropped it into the envelope before she mailed it.

Okay, I buy that. It was on her desk, it fell in, sure.

Then they tell you the stick they thought was some kind of "triggering device" was actually a lollipop stick.

Wait, a stick? There was a stick, too? In the envelope?

Yes, apparently, this woman was carrying around the envelope in her purse for a week, where she naturally also had loose pain pills and used lollipop sticks floating around, and they made their way into the envelope.

Allowing for the moment that a lollipop stick and pain pill could make their way into an envelope by accident, how did this woman fail to notice the bulges when she sealed (I'm assuming they didn't crawl into a sealed envelope) and placed the envelope in the mail?

Also, why didn't she throw out the lollipop stick?!!

Clearly a massive government cover up. Everyone should be quarantined who so much as read the news today.

Cheese Thief Jailed for 7 Years in California

Decriminalize cheese thievery!

This is like a fake commercial from SNL. I hope next they make a three-piece pajama suit.

I really hope

that there's still only one comment posted when you read this article on overly critical parents/people in the Bay Area. The article includes several examples of people being a little too overbearing and preachy.

The VERY FIRST commenter objects to the article on the grounds that it only includes examples of women acting this way. If you're going to criticize people for being critical, then you have to be egalitarian about it.

"Yes! Soy Mattresses Are In!"
- a sign in front of Sleepy's near my office

When did an "Act of Congress" become as unlikely as an "Act of God"?

Astute Commentary on Society's Ills

In the Duane Reade near my office, they have one of those glassed in lottery machines where shiny, colorful tickets are displayed, promising your best odds to win! win! win!

And in the top left-hand corner, there's a small sticker.

"If you or someone you know has a problem with gambling, dial this number for free addiction counseling."

Remember

yesterday when Gmail was out for like an hour and a half and everyone was talking about it the whole time and afterwards because it's something we all have in common and there was this wonderful sense of fellowship in every "refresh" or "reload"?

I think I look for signs of camaraderie every September.

Home sick

What is it about being sick that just makes you want to describe your sickness in disgusting detail to everyone you know?

Like, I just hacked up a wad of phlegm the size of a chicken nugget, for example.

I know what you're thinking

But only beef can be served on Krispy Kreme doughnuts...! Not so, you small-minded little oyster! Fried chicken makes an excellent substitute for those in the business of putting things that do not belong in donuts in donuts.

This town ain't big enough

Yesterday, I was shopping with my sister, and I bumped into this woman with my purse. I immediately apologized. She responded by slamming her purse into me as hard as she could. When I realized she'd intentionally hit me, I turned to her to apologize again.

"Look, it was really an accident. I'm sorry I hit you, " I said. She didn't reply and gave me an evil look. At that point, my sister--not a New Yorker--grabbed my arm and walked me away in the other direction.

But you want to know the truth? It wasn't an accident. I ran into that old hag on purpose. In fact, I was carrying around an iron so that the impact of my purse would really hurt (I was really carrying around an iron--long story). I just didn't like the look of her, the way she was muscling in on all the medium sized white camisoles in Old Navy. I wanted to hurt her, to show her whose town this is, and which of us that particular Old Navy belongs to. (Me.)

I hope she bruises easily.

Lady what?

I don't know anything about pop culture, because a) it makes me feel superior to look down on you people rolling around in that filth and b) I have a terrible memory, as anyone whose special occasion I've forgotten can attest, and I can never remember things I've seen/heard. So every once in a while, a friend casually mentions some pop icon I apparently should know about, and I google them and am confronted with images like this:



Pictures which make me doubt whether they should be allowed to call it pop "culture." This is a person about whom it has been said "her aversion to wearing a top and bottom at the same time...swigging champagne and being fanned by oily men in Speedos [is] very Donatella-esque." This is a person who chooses to be called "Lady Gaga," as in the sound that babies make. This is a person so talented she wrote songs for Britney Spears AND New Kids on the Block.

Go back to Yonkers!

It always rains gays when I forget my giant gay-repellant umbrella at home

A Gaythering Storm from Jane Lynch

Diversity of youth in Oslo Norway.jpg

This photograph is displayed on Wikipedia with the caption: "A group of youth interacting."

(from L-R):
"Ugh, I hate interacting."
"Come on, Rita. Let your belly hang out! You'll see--it's great!"
"No. I hate everything."
"Hey camera. Interact with this guy."
"That girl still crying? What is girls' problem? I'll give her something to cry about when I let this gum roll out the side of my mouth into her hair."

Grammar hawk, not budget hawk

Open For Questions, a blog featuring the best of the best questions submitted to our dear president.

Here's one of my favorites:
"We are expected to have fiscal responsibility. Why isn't congress and the White House not doing the same thing?"
Metallic, La Marque, TX

...But I fantasize about gestational diabetes

"I chose to get vaccinated because my dreams don't include cervical cancer." -Gardasil commercial

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