Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Flying cars!


Wheeeeeee! Finally! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: flying cars are awesome. The Parajet Skycar (pictured below with its inventor) took off from London today en route to Timbuktu (can we all agree Timbuktu is the best place to travel in a zany British flying contraption?).

It was built by a zany British inventor named Giles Cardozo, and, like all zany British inventions, accompanied by its fair share of adorable indigenous stereotypes.

''I just can't wait to see their faces when we fly in and start playing football with them,'' [Cardozo] said. ''I don't think they will be able to believe somebody in a flying car has just visited them.''

Monday, January 12, 2009

Arthropod anxiety

Jim Klinger owns the world's largest millipede (38.7 cm). But sometimes the arthropod wonders if Jim only loves him because he's famous.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Stupid people are stupid

This morning on the train I was seated for several stops on the train next to one of those awful blond people with a Chanel bag. Everything this woman did was designed to make me hate her. She swept her perfectly waved blond hair out of her face to reapply her lipstick and gloss, removed her Burberry sunglasses and replaced them in their case. Then, she took out her *pink* Blackberry to check a few things—probably People.com—and finally turned up the volume on her iTouch so that I could hear the thumping in the background of the latest Katy Perry single.

Every single one of the defense mechanisms I built up in a high school full of people like this came crashing out of the gate. “Boy, she looks dumb with all that make-up on,” I thought. “I bet she think it’s cool to be stupid.” “I’ll just continue reading my theology book called ‘The River of Light’” and “I think my purple painted fingernails look funky, so I don’t care if hers are perfectly manicured” and finally, inevitably: “What a cunt.”

Only then, in my head, she started responding to what I was thinking and told ME that I was the one with a problem and that I really ought to dress up and enjoy life while I was young and beautiful. And she said nobody likes poor people, and that why didn’t I brush my hair?

So I punched the bitch, and in my rage, I got off at the wrong stop.

I need to get out of this city.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Personal Statement

My roommate needed help writing his personal statement for math grad school. His original version was a little lacking in personality. Here’s what I came up with:

“Bang!” went my backpack as I slammed it down on the kitchen table after a long day of school. I grabbed a banana from the counter and took a big bite.

“Mom, I’m late for sailing practice!” I yelled as I ran upstairs to change into my drysuit. It was a beautiful day in my upper middle class neighborhood of Miami—the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and the smell of Cuban food wafted gently on the breeze.

“But Jonny, don’t you need to do your math homework first?” my Swedish-born mother asked me with a hint of an accent. I rolled my eyes.

“Mom, you don’t understand me at all. Sailing comes first.”

It was true. Sailing had always come first. Ahead of school, ahead of family. I was so young that I thought feeling alive meant I was really living.

Out in the bay, I smiled broadly from behind my sunglasses. The water was nice and even, the sun was shining, and I hadn’t a care in the world. My sailing teammates and I rocked gently back and forth on the surface, turning bronze in the shining sun.

Suddenly, I heard a cry for help.

“Help! Help!”

I whipped around. An old woman had fallen off the edge of the dock and into the water. She wasn’t wearing a lifejacket and she didn’t look like she knew how to swim because she was flailing around and screaming for help. I needed to get over to her, and fast.

But how could I get my boat to move that quickly? How high should I raise the sail and in what direction? The sail was a triangle. If the length of the edge opposite the right angle was 7 feet, then how many degrees should the angle adjacent to the hypotenuse be extended? I tried to remember sine and cosine from that day’s math class, but my mind was completely blank. I hadn’t learned math, and now I learned the consequences.

Helpless, alongside my drunken teammates, I watched the old woman drown.

That night, I came home late, feeling wretched. Soundlessly, I threw myself into my estranged father’s arms. Never again would I put sailing before math and family.

It is this traumatizing experience that has led me to pursue graduate studies in the Mathematics Department of the University of Florida. A Master’s degree in mathematics would not only extend my undergraduate foundation and allow me to progress to a doctoral degree, it would also prevent another terrible tragedy like this one.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Lazy posting

SF just commented on my post below with this site: thingsiboughtthatilove.com.

It's written by Mindy Kaling (Kelly Kapoor) of The Office, who may be my favorite character and writer on the show.