Good Enough for Government Comedy

Every week I send The Onion a batch of headlines--most of them get turned down. Rather than letting them disappear off into the void, I'm going to post them for you guys and MAYBE even write some of them out. Here are a few recent ones:

Area Woman Going To Be So Cool About It If Blind Date In Wheelchair

Clinton Gracefully Admits Defeat Ten Weeks Ago

Neighbor's Wireless Sucks

Area Girlfriend Spends All Her Time Faking Interest In Sports

Married Couple Feels Pressure To Act Gayer

Area Woman To Start Cooking Everything By Boiling It Alive

Area Woman Trying Not To Describe Big Black Guy As "Big Black Guy"

Bad Haircut Fails To Grow Out

And much much more! Stayed tuned. And for goodness sakes, comment.

Another several weeks, another headline

Check out my one-liner on the Onion homepage all week:

Play Within A Play Also Boring

Ask and ye shall receive

The winner of our formal "What's the Cutest?" poll is two puppies! Two puppies are very good looking indeed.

Literary Toiletries from Harper-Jergens

Everything Is Illuminated Foaming Cleanser

The Invisible Man Self-Tanning Spray

For the Relief of Unbearable Urges Anti-Diarrheal Medication

The Feminine Mystique Tampons

The Unbearable Lightness of Being Protein Powder

I hope they do an encore!

Oooh, that concert was so amazing! My throat hurts from screaming! I have never spent $32.50 so well before. I hope they do an encore!

The lights are still down, so that’s a good sign. But on the other hand, the house lights have come up a bit. Or am I just imagining it? It might be the beer messing with my light-sensitivity. OMG, did someone just walk onstage?!

No, it’s just a techie.

They won’t come out if the house lights come up. That’ll mean they’ve given the signal that they’re going to call it a night. Don’t they know their fans are out here waiting? We need to make some noise!

Oh man oh man oh man! What if they don’t come back out? I swear I’ll kill someone. Everybody cheer louder!

Woo! Woooooooooo! Wooo [hack hack hack cough].

I can’t cheer anymore. My hands are raw from clapping. Just come back please. I swear I’ll make it worth your while. I’ll rev up the crowd to give you that energy you crave! I’ll get the crowd on its feet! I’ll get everyone to do the wave! Or pull out their cell phones and wave them around just around like little lighthouses calling your music home to port! For chrissakes, just get back out here!

Oh man. If they keep the lights down all this time and then they don’t come out, I am going to be so pissed. I can’t handle that kind of disappointment.

Fuck it, I’m leaving.

Excuse me, I need to get through. I'm giving up. We just didn't want it badly enough.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Is that them? They’re coming back! They just needed to get some water! Look at that!

I can’t believe I ever doubted you—oh, Matchbox 20, I love you.

The News Today Is Bad

I guess.

Another Onion headline

Check it out! Hilarious!

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/area_5_year_old_telling

Also, check out this interview I did with comedian Kumail Nanjiani. He seems like a pretty cool dude. The interview is terrible but go see him perform anyway.