Poll results

Over two-thirds of you are lookin' at me.

What I want to know is: how? HOW?! I can't see you, so how can you see me? Are you behind me? I'm looking behind me now and you're not there. Unless you somehow got in front of me very quickly while I was turning. But now I'm looking in front of me again and I don't see anybody. Where are TEN people?!?! AHHHH!!

Pa. Newspaper Ad Calls for Obama Assassination

Warren Times Observer Publisher John Elchert says the ad appeared Thursday. It read, ''May Obama follow in the steps of Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley and Kennedy!'' The four presidents were all assassinated.

Elchert tells The Associated Press that the newspaper's advertising staff didn't make the historical connection.

(you didn't know I was running a wacky news blog?)

China bridge jumper 'gets a push'

(via the BBC) A man threatening to commit suicide by jumping from a Chinese bridge was approached by a passer-by who shoved him over the edge, local media say.

Lai Jiansheng, 66, said he was fed up with the desperate man's "selfish activity" which caused huge traffic jams in Guangzhou, southern China.

Chen Fuchao fell 26ft (8m) on to an air cushion and is recovering in hospital, the official Xinhua news agency said.

...

The bridge has gained a macabre reputation, attracting at least 12 would-be suicide jumpers since the start of April, according to the China Daily report.

None of the 12 has jumped, although each has held up traffic for several hours, it said.

Police: Conn. Woman Bitten After 'Bite Me' Remark

RE: Our current poll.

Do you want a piece of me?

The Middle-Aged and the Flimsy

[Above: Judith Warner is like a grown-up Anne Hathaway.]

The thing about Judith Warner is, she gets your hopes up that she is going to have something interesting or entertaining to say and then she lets them come crashing down.

This morning, for instance, she wrote a column that began by comparing Meghan McCain to Kim Bauer from "24." An auspicious start, I think you'll agree. I have a soft spot for Meghan McCain because she is one of those people I don't want to like and then she gives me all sorts of reasonable justifications not to.

Then Warner talked about her feelings of pity for Bristol Palin, who I like a lot because she is adorable when she goes on interviews about abstinence being the only way and then she blushes and refuses to talk about sex.

Bristol Palin AND Meghan McCain in one column! It's like that time I wrote a post about Bristol Palin and Megan McCain, and how I would much rather hang out with Bristol (baby + hiking in Alaska + more fun dad). Of course, in true Warner form, she ended the column with some punchy sentence that undid everything she'd built up in the column ("but what do I know, I'm just a mommy," seems to be the implication).

I guess Gail Collins is the only one for me.

Or something.

SNL's Casey Wilson Reads Internet Comments from Casey Wilson

Other things you didn't know about Australia

This is their real, honest-to-goodness coat of arms. That's a red kangaroo and an emu holding up the shield in the middle, for those not in the know. Apparently, this coat of arms was granted by King George V, and I would think he granted it as a joke ("Take that, Commonwealth Nation!") but his own coat of arms has a unicorn sticking its tongue out.

*kudos to Shushannah for finding this

Clips from the Dana Carvey Show

Here.

Hooray Dana Carvey

And he had met Charlie Kaufman, who I don’t think ever had a job writing for television at that time. And had me meet Charlie. And Charlie just said, “I’m working on a screenplay about John Malkovich.” And in a rare show of temper, I kind of got up in his face a little bit. I said, “Look, pal, you save that for your own time, O.K.? This is sketch television, all right?” I still feel bad about that. No, I didn’t. [laughs]
- New York Times interview with Dana Carvey

Russian tourists try to break Florida law having sex with porcupine

"Doctors of well-known medical center Cedars-Sinai diagnosed the case as ‘needles of a porcupine in genitals’."

Overheard

Mom: You don't hate flowers. Nobody hates flowers.

Kid: I hate flowers.

So far nobody knows the capital of Australia.

This photo gives me vertigo

Contrived missed connections...not a new theme for this blog, but a very funny video

Craigslist Missed Connection - watch more funny videos

Oh sure, you were only fondling it for the articles.

"Bordering on the pornographic." -Paul Mellars, archaeologist

Ancient Figurine of Voluptuous Woman Is Found

Reading

Everyone should read Deb's new blog. It's awesome. (You remember Deb. She inspired the most popular poll on this blog to date.)

Really? This made it into the New York Times?

This is my son FML

Apparently, people in Sweden are being prevented from naming their kids whatever they want. I was about to be like, that's ridiculous, when I discovered that some people wanted to name their kid, "Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116," which would be pronounced "Albin." Doesn't that just make you hate people? It's like, shut the fuck up. You're going to give your kid some retarded name to make some irritating point about anarchy or spelling? How would he ever be able to remember how many x's there were?

Also, some people in New Zealand had to fight a legal battle to name their kid "4 Real." Probably Mormons.

josmith137 is typing...

Have you seen the ad for the Mormon online missionaries? It has a little chat box, labeled "Chat About Faith."

Jo: what made u decide
Zack: i had questions no one would answer :-(
Jo: what kind of questions
Zack: God's purpose 4 my life and what happens after death
Jo: what have u found?

And then it says "Join the Conversation" with a link to chat with an e-missionary.

I like this new tactic because it makes sense that the same people who can be successfully proselytized can also sum up their religious beliefs with an emoticon.

I also think a successful ad campaign for this function could be "Chat Live with a Missionary: For People Who Think Mormonism Might Be Right But Are Too Lazy To Get Up And Answer The Door."

I don't remember this from Texas History class

Stephen F. Austin went to school at Bacon Academy AND Transylvania University.

I like this

HOW TO FIGHT - watch more funny videos

Estrogen, anyone?

Things online that made me cry today:

• Personal essay about life-long battle with depression
• Column about women balancing doctoring and motherhood
• Blog posts about pregnancy on Dooce and comments
  
• Judith Warner (who I hate) on entering middle age
• Video of the Frugal Traveler traveling with baby
• Irene Curie Wikipedia page
• Recipe for Middle Eastern avocado puree

Things are looking up

game!

Whatever

There's nothing funny left on the internet.

Have you considered

a barn owl ring bearer? For the couple with no adorable nieces or nephews and maybe a Harry Potter thing?

Also, pixies

I know I promised to write more about pirates, but do you ever think about the Tanzanian robots?

Spider sex violent but effective