Overheard in the office elevator

"There's a dog shitting right next to my desk all day long. He can't do that. It's just not professional."

Woot

Onion Weekender: One Man's Chilling Tale Of Needing To Get To An ATM Pretty Soon

I'm no superman

My boyfriend is a medical student working at a big hospital in Queens. On his way through the emergency room one afternoon, he sees a prisoner from Rikers Island chained to a hospital bed. The man, seeing my boyfriend in his short white coat, starts to sing:

"I can't do this all on my own..."

What do you save your suicide note as on your laptop?

Nabil al-Rabaa, Mr. Jaber’s partner in Beirut, where the shop opened late last year, said that while most customers had encountered cupcakes before, there was initial confusion. “There were a lot that would say, ‘I’ll take that muffin, and one of those muffins,’ ” Mr. al-Rabaa said. “Please, these are cupcakes!”

Astute Commentary on Society's Ills

In the Duane Reade near my office, they have one of those glassed in lottery machines where shiny, colorful tickets are displayed, promising your best odds to win! win! win!

And in the top left-hand corner, there's a small sticker.

"If you or someone you know has a problem with gambling, dial this number for free addiction counseling."

Proof that God has a sense of humor

but it's weird.

Did you even know a "poultry economist" was something you could be?

“We have these jumbo, juicy paws the Chinese really love,” said Paul W. Aho, a poultry economist.

Get excited

Ghost Toast is coming!

Remember when Gmail was invitation only?

"I'm pregnant with someone else."

When did I become this person?

I think I like looking at photos of baby animals because you can't just look at photos of other people's babies. It's weird.

But thank god for mommy bloggers.

Flossing hurts in a good way

My boyfriend's roommate uses Plackers, which are little plastic flossers that look kind of like cocktail swords with floss attached. Plackers is proud of their commitment to no-fray, no-snap floss. In fact, they advertise their floss as being made from "the same fiber used to make bulletproof vests." Bulletproof vests! This explains:

a) how magicians catch bullets between their teeth.

b) why cops have so few cavities.

Where confidence comes from

“We’ve been in business since 1902; there are many names that have come and gone,” said Denis Black, the general manager, with the confidence of a man who once got a personal thank-you note from Bill Clinton for picking out a tie.

More horrors.

Remember

yesterday when Gmail was out for like an hour and a half and everyone was talking about it the whole time and afterwards because it's something we all have in common and there was this wonderful sense of fellowship in every "refresh" or "reload"?

I think I look for signs of camaraderie every September.

Home sick

What is it about being sick that just makes you want to describe your sickness in disgusting detail to everyone you know?

Like, I just hacked up a wad of phlegm the size of a chicken nugget, for example.

So I totally missed the boat on this one (by quite a bit)

But just in case you did, too, you have to watch this very short CNN clip from Katrina coverage.

(Note that a helpful commenter points out: "i believe they were referring to the discrimination associated with being black, rather than having been black." Thank you for remarkably unhilarious insight, Jeff_from_MD.)

Another thing I wrote

An essay for Tikkun magazine. (Be careful, the photo they used of me is ENORMOUS and may come out of the screen and eat your face off.)