Aha! Smoking Pancakes

Proceeds go to the Deborah Gross Fund

2010-05-19T19:18:00.000-07:00

Come see me tomorrow night in the role of a lifetime as Deb in "Conversations with Deb." One night only!

http://newyork.ucbtheatre.com/shows/2297

2010-05-12T09:45:00.000-07:00

(source)

A little something for my spam commenters

2010-05-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

_ _ _ _ _ _ 汉语／漢語... 官话／官話 ''''''' 北方话／北方話
. %%

北方話

2010-04-28T10:49:00.001-07:00

''Stockpiling vegetable purees for covert use in children's food is an idea that cannot be copyrighted." - 2nd U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals in Manhattan

Finally! An answer!

Ending breast cancer. Replacing it with diabetes.

2010-04-25T17:10:00.000-07:00

This is really really real.

KFC's Buckets for the Cure

SADISTIC TERRIFIC this Sunday, 4/11 6:30pm at the Magnet!

2010-04-06T12:43:00.000-07:00

2010-04-06T07:33:00.001-07:00

"At the time, I was a 92 lb Korean woman..."

-from NYTimes comments on Health page

April Fool's update

2010-04-01T07:27:00.001-07:00

No one's played an April Fool's joke on me yet, so I'm still pretty unsuspecting if you're looking for a target.

2010-03-26T10:01:00.001-07:00

"Cello-punk band Rasputina's concept album Oh Perilous World features an alternative-history scenario where Mary Todd Lincoln is Queen of Florida."

- Wikipedia entry for Mary Todd Lincoln

2010-03-25T12:47:00.000-07:00

Disputed isle in Bay of Bengal disappears into sea

For nearly 30 years, India and Bangladesh have argued over control of a tiny rock island in the Bay of Bengal. Now rising sea levels have resolved the dispute for them: the island's gone.

New Moore Island in the Sunderbans has been completely submerged, said oceanographer Sugata Hazra, a professor at Jadavpur University in Calcutta. Its disappearance has been confirmed by satellite imagery and sea patrols, he said.

2010-03-12T09:47:00.000-08:00

Powder in Montana Envelope Just Crushed Pain Pill

So the story starts out by telling you that state officials in Montana are fine, after they discovered that a white powder in some mail they got was just a crushed up pain pill.

No, it wasn't put there on purpose to scare them. Apparently, some lady just accidentally dropped it into the envelope before she mailed it.

Okay, I buy that. It was on her desk, it fell in, sure.

Then they tell you the stick they thought was some kind of "triggering device" was actually a lollipop stick.

Wait, a stick? There was a stick, too? In the envelope?

Yes, apparently, this woman was carrying around the envelope in her purse for a week, where she naturally also had loose pain pills and used lollipop sticks floating around, and they made their way into the envelope.

Allowing for the moment that a lollipop stick and pain pill could make their way into an envelope by accident, how did this woman fail to notice the bulges when she sealed (I'm assuming they didn't crawl into a sealed envelope) and placed the envelope in the mail?

Also, why didn't she throw out the lollipop stick?!!

Clearly a massive government cover up. Everyone should be quarantined who so much as read the news today.

2010-03-03T08:35:00.000-08:00

Cheese Thief Jailed for 7 Years in California

Decriminalize cheese thievery!

CONVERSATIONS WITH DEB

2010-03-01T13:03:00.000-08:00

Deb, of Conversations with Deb, fame, brings you her trademark brand of interaction along with myself, Dru Johnston, and Scott Sobol. Friday at UCB at 8pm. $10.

We've done this show once before and it was terrific. It'll be even better this time because I won't try to put on a blazer while still holding a scotch glass.

2010-03-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

Goat Leads Texas Police on 30-Minute Chase

"There was no immediate word on who owned the goat. "

*Apparently, I already had a "goats" tag.

2010-02-23T10:41:00.000-08:00

Paleontologists: 'We've Been Looking At Dinosaurs Upside Down'

You know how you were pretty sure you took Family Guy's side?

2010-02-19T07:40:00.000-08:00

Now you can be completely sure.

2010-02-19T07:06:00.000-08:00

This is like a fake commercial from SNL. I hope next they make a three-piece pajama suit.

2010-02-17T10:35:00.000-08:00

This video where actors describe their favorite performance of the decade is annoying but makes up for it by being hilarious. Also...what happened to Sandra Bullock's hair there? It's like the girl next door got electrocuted. Very scary.

I stopped watching after Jake Gyllenhaal said "God, I'm such a kiss ass," with this very serious, concerned look on face. Yech.

2010-02-11T13:06:00.000-08:00

"Garlic finely cut and suspended in olive oil together with parsley leaves is often served to barbecued fish in Croatia."

-from an article about garlic

After they eat it, they taste delicious.

2010-02-10T05:44:00.000-08:00

Letting Poor People Vote Is Dangerous

"Poor people are capable of feats of bravery and revolution. They can storm the Bastille, overthrow the tsar or stage an Orange Revolution. But impoverished people are incapable of making sober decisions and voting responsibly in a popular election."

*h/t to Olivia.

New York Times delightfully overwritten sentence of the day

2010-02-08T12:49:00.000-08:00

"The seeming conflicts of interest are as abundant as the cattle grazing among the pump jacks and mesquite."

Are they microwave-safe?

2010-02-08T11:05:00.000-08:00

I had to research CPR certification for work, and I came across a site that lets you become certified in the safety (comfort?) of your own home with a video and manikins. From the FAQ page:

13. How do I clean the manikins?
The heads are dishwasher safe. The lung bags are replaceable.

"Run the flirty one."

2010-02-04T17:30:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I wonder if they're doing this on purpose:

(The photo attached to an article about defense officials seeking to end Don't Ask, Don't Tell. Click to enlarge and you'll see what I mean. Or think I'm a giant homophobe.)

I really hope

2010-02-03T13:24:00.000-08:00

that there's still only one comment posted when you read this article on overly critical parents/people in the Bay Area. The article includes several examples of people being a little too overbearing and preachy.

The VERY FIRST commenter objects to the article on the grounds that it only includes examples of women acting this way. If you're going to criticize people for being critical, then you have to be egalitarian about it.

Chimps iz so smart!

2010-02-02T17:56:00.000-08:00

Look, they can make a movie! If by "make a movie" you mean variously try to eat, break, or make sex at a video camera someone decided to throw into their cage.

Too bad it came out slightly too late to be nominated for a Best Picture Oscar.

Best headline ever?

2010-01-29T09:10:00.001-08:00

Gay man who tried to poison lesbian neighbours with slug pellets over three-legged cat feud walks free

Ungrateful wretches

2010-01-28T07:25:00.000-08:00

Check out this article about the conviction of four men who opposed the Communist Party published in the online version of the official communist newspaper of Vietnam. If you're worried they got off easy, never fear:

"The 33 year-in-prison punishment, for the four defendants, is suitable and justice has been served to the Party, Nation, and People."

In addition, there are articles of interest regarding "Activities of the Party and State," "Vietnam in foreigners' eyes," and the friendly "About Us" section. I don't know why I find sentences like this so amusing:

"State President Nguyen Minh Triet asked the VFF to concentrate on diversifying forms of mobilisation so as to rally the entire people into various movements to strengthen the country and make it more prosperous."

It reminds me of when the Onion did their parody of a Chinese takeover at the paper.

Pa. Woman Manages to Crash Car Into Her Own Home

2010-01-27T14:03:00.001-08:00

I love the above headline because there's just a touch of the AP being like "Jeez, lady, look what you managed to do now." Much better than simply "Pa. Woman Crashes Car Into Her Own Home."

2010-01-27T06:48:00.001-08:00

Of course Orthodox Jews have different bath towels for meat and dairy!

Most TV Shows Named In One Minute Replacing One Word In Title With "Horse"

2010-01-25T12:35:00.001-08:00

This may be the greatest contest every thunk up. The contestant must name as many television shows as possible in one minute replace a word with "horse." As in "The Gilmore Horses," "Dawson's Horse," "Golden Horses" and "Three's A Horse." You can only name one one-word television show (as in "Horse" for "Seinfeld"). Here Kumail Nanjiani named 17 shows in one minute. This is the world's funnest record database that I never heard of before.

Who says the Onion isn't hardcore anymore? (Did anyone say that? Not sure.)

2010-01-25T08:43:00.000-08:00

I Don't Even Want To Be Alive Anymore by Rush Limbaugh

2010-01-14T09:09:00.000-08:00

It just occurred to me that there must have been a Lady Sandwich.

2010-01-13T10:36:00.000-08:00

"Our recipe for crust was passed on for generations and a guarded secret in my family, known for their guarded secrets."
- Chris B., pizza maker in San Francisco

2010-01-12T19:18:00.001-08:00

It's sort of sick that I take pleasure even in spam comments.

A reason to blog again...

2009-12-22T13:04:00.001-08:00

Pair Allegedly Try to Swap Stolen Lizard for Booze

"Officers later got a tip that two men had tried to pawn a reptile. When the attempt failed, police said the men went to at least two liquor stores and tried to trade the lizard for alcohol."

GHOST TOAST

2009-11-11T13:03:00.001-08:00

watch it: http://ghosttoast.net/

From NYTimes article on teaching children what to do in a stalled elevator

2009-11-10T07:18:00.001-08:00

"Children in Brooklyn heard from the buildings commissioner, Robert D. LiMandri, right; the chief elevator inspector, Douglas Smith; and a dancing cat."

2009-11-09T11:14:00.000-08:00

"Yes! Soy Mattresses Are In!"
- a sign in front of Sleepy's near my office

COME SEE "THE MOVIE" at UCB!

2009-11-03T12:49:00.001-08:00

Every Tuesday in November @11pm.

How to throw a pie in someone's face:

2009-10-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

“You can use whipped cream, egg whites or shaving cream, but shaving cream is much better because it doesn’t spoil. And no tin plates. The secret is you just can’t push it and shove it in somebody’s face. It has to be done with a pie that has a lot of crust so that it breaks up into a thousand pieces when it hits you.”

-Soupy Sales, slapstick comedian who died Thursday at the age of 83, and knew the importance of using the right kind of pie. “One of my younger fans made the mistake of heaving a frozen pie at me before it defrosted,” he once wrote in The New York Journal-American. “It caught me in the neck and I dropped like a pile of bricks.”

Belated...but funny anyway

2009-10-22T10:22:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Elmhurst Hospital

2009-10-18T21:14:00.001-07:00

That's a real photo of the hospital where my boyfriend works.

The Hater - Rwanda (not Amelie Gillette)

2009-10-14T10:45:00.000-07:00

Hates people who...

…talk with a lot of conviction about things they know not about.
Just last week I heard someone convincingly talking about how delicious some chapattis are.

We were all so moved by his conviction but when we tried to find out more about the chapattis the joker revealed that he had actually never tasted them but was only told by someone else!

The anger I had then is still so strong even as I write this. Why would someone put so much energy in an ignorance-laden endeavour? Was he being paid by someone or what? I cannot stop hating such guys.

Click here to read more opinions from The Hater, a writer for the Sunday Times in Rwanda.

2009-10-14T09:34:00.000-07:00

When did an "Act of Congress" become as unlikely as an "Act of God"?

Kelsey Grammer had a sketch show?

2009-10-12T20:14:00.000-07:00

2009-10-06T09:14:00.001-07:00

Overheard in the office elevator

2009-09-30T13:31:00.000-07:00

"There's a dog shitting right next to my desk all day long. He can't do that. It's just not professional."

Woot

2009-09-25T09:57:00.000-07:00

Onion Weekender: One Man's Chilling Tale Of Needing To Get To An ATM Pretty Soon

I'm no superman

2009-09-24T21:19:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend is a medical student working at a big hospital in Queens. On his way through the emergency room one afternoon, he sees a prisoner from Rikers Island chained to a hospital bed. The man, seeing my boyfriend in his short white coat, starts to sing:

"I can't do this all on my own..."

2009-09-24T07:55:00.000-07:00

What do you save your suicide note as on your laptop?

2009-09-24T07:53:00.001-07:00

Nabil al-Rabaa, Mr. Jaber’s partner in Beirut, where the shop opened late last year, said that while most customers had encountered cupcakes before, there was initial confusion. “There were a lot that would say, ‘I’ll take that muffin, and one of those muffins,’ ” Mr. al-Rabaa said. “Please, these are cupcakes!”

Astute Commentary on Society's Ills

2009-09-21T12:15:00.000-07:00

In the Duane Reade near my office, they have one of those glassed in lottery machines where shiny, colorful tickets are displayed, promising your best odds to win! win! win!

And in the top left-hand corner, there's a small sticker.

"If you or someone you know has a problem with gambling, dial this number for free addiction counseling."

Proof that God has a sense of humor

2009-09-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

but it's weird.

Did you even know a "poultry economist" was something you could be?

2009-09-16T06:53:00.001-07:00

“We have these jumbo, juicy paws the Chinese really love,” said Paul W. Aho, a poultry economist.

Get excited

2009-09-10T19:22:00.001-07:00

Ghost Toast is coming!

2009-09-10T19:21:00.001-07:00

Remember when Gmail was invitation only?

2009-09-10T17:24:00.001-07:00

"I'm pregnant with someone else."

When did I become this person?

2009-09-09T08:58:00.000-07:00

I think I like looking at photos of baby animals because you can't just look at photos of other people's babies. It's weird.

But thank god for mommy bloggers.

Flossing hurts in a good way

2009-09-09T06:50:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend's roommate uses Plackers, which are little plastic flossers that look kind of like cocktail swords with floss attached. Plackers is proud of their commitment to no-fray, no-snap floss. In fact, they advertise their floss as being made from "the same fiber used to make bulletproof vests." Bulletproof vests! This explains:

a) how magicians catch bullets between their teeth.

b) why cops have so few cavities.

Where confidence comes from

2009-09-08T11:49:00.000-07:00

“We’ve been in business since 1902; there are many names that have come and gone,” said Denis Black, the general manager, with the confidence of a man who once got a personal thank-you note from Bill Clinton for picking out a tie.

More horrors.

Remember

2009-09-02T10:09:00.001-07:00

yesterday when Gmail was out for like an hour and a half and everyone was talking about it the whole time and afterwards because it's something we all have in common and there was this wonderful sense of fellowship in every "refresh" or "reload"?

I think I look for signs of camaraderie every September.

Home sick

2009-09-02T10:04:00.000-07:00

What is it about being sick that just makes you want to describe your sickness in disgusting detail to everyone you know?

Like, I just hacked up a wad of phlegm the size of a chicken nugget, for example.

So I totally missed the boat on this one (by quite a bit)

2009-09-01T19:43:00.000-07:00

But just in case you did, too, you have to watch this very short CNN clip from Katrina coverage.

(Note that a helpful commenter points out: "i believe they were referring to the discrimination associated with being black, rather than having been black." Thank you for remarkably unhilarious insight, Jeff_from_MD.)

Another thing I wrote

2009-09-01T08:18:00.000-07:00

An essay for Tikkun magazine. (Be careful, the photo they used of me is ENORMOUS and may come out of the screen and eat your face off.)

In keeping

2009-08-31T13:04:00.000-07:00

with our current theme of "classic comics deconstructed" comes this ongoing series of Marmaduke Explained by Joe Mathlete at www.29-95.com (a Houston city guide site). It is pretty funny, and you may also enjoy the site's collection of pictures of cake.

If you still need to get me a birthday present...

2009-08-26T08:44:00.000-07:00

The inflatable toast mattress!

Gelfing

2009-08-25T11:50:00.000-07:00

Check out this interview I did for Gelf Magazine with Doug Quint, owner of the Big Gay Ice Cream Truck. It's pretty hammy!

Garfield Randomizer

2009-08-24T20:09:00.000-07:00

Have you seen this? It puts together three random Garfield comic panels in sequence. It is really weird how often it makes total sense. Oh, that cat!

2009-08-22T07:57:00.001-07:00

What is the right joke to make about a comedy show on September 11?

Violent conflicts named for minor body parts

2009-08-21T13:16:00.001-07:00

War of Jenkins’ Ear

Massacre at Wounded Knee

Battle of the Butt Cheek

Jeff’s Left Pinky Toe Altercation

The Belly Button Crusade

Hangnail Genocide

2009-08-21T11:54:00.001-07:00

Are people over blogs yet? I'm sort of over them.

Silly

2009-08-19T08:34:00.001-07:00

One of the funniest UCB originals I've seen in a while. The quality isn't even that good, but I think really simple sketches that just repeat something over and over again make me laugh a lot. Here's a sketch that functions in a similar way for me:

Will it ever stop cracking me up? Probably not. The SNL burrito sketch is the same idea.

Second only to "Most Nationalities in a Sauna"

2009-08-17T13:33:00.001-07:00

I was just reading Guinness World Records online, like you do, and stumbled across this record: Most Marriage Vows Renewals - Same Couple.

Apparently, Lauren Lubeck Blair and David E. Hough Blair of Tennessee really enjoy renewing their wedding vows all over the world. David says: "We love telling each other we love each other, and looking into each other's eyes and saying our vows."

They pulled on the lettuce, hoping to pull out something else as well: their own addictions.

2009-08-14T10:25:00.001-07:00

"It was all in a day’s work at an unlikely flyspeck of a place: a two-acre organic vegetable farm bordered by a forest and gentle hills, where two dozen men were quietly fighting for their lives."

It's sentences like these that make me snort at my computer screen. Thank you, New York Times.

Daily adorably named 18th century British conflict

2009-08-13T13:57:00.000-07:00

The War of Jenkins' Ear

Dead-on Obama impression. Okay sketch.

2009-08-13T09:08:00.001-07:00

Obama Debunks Birther Conspiracy - watch more funny videos

Fish and Cushion

2009-08-12T07:05:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to give a shout-out to Matt K over at Moonwel Ot Cosideme, who has written a Mitchell and Webb edition of his sketch primer. Very funny and interesting, as usual. He also writes about sports, which I skip.

I relate to this sketch because my job is reading Wikipedia

2009-08-10T21:30:00.001-07:00

2009-08-07T14:11:00.000-07:00

My quest to learn more about kosher certification for whiskey led me to the Orthodox Union Job Board, where I found this dynamic and exciting position:

Giant Ocean Tank Intern

The internship lasts 12 weeks or until the intern can't swim anymore.

"Massage my hand, and I will fix everything!"

2009-08-07T14:10:00.000-07:00

"Not bad!"

Remember Twitter!

2009-08-06T12:52:00.000-07:00

So Twitter has been attacked today, by vicious hackers who "direct a “botnet,” often made up of thousands of malware-infected home PCs, toward a target site in an effort to flood it with junk traffic. With the site overwhelmed, legitimate visitors cannot access the service."

As is often my response to hackers: Come on. Really? This is your idea of a good time?

Let me reassure you, your act of e-violence is meaningless. The website always wins in the end. In a few hours, it will be back up, and in the meantime, the only losers are Manhattanites who can't find the CupcakeStop Truck (it's on 5th avenue and 22nd street--you're welcome) and protesters in Iran (head to Tehran Square and wear green).

I don't know why this makes me laugh so hard

2009-08-04T21:27:00.000-07:00

2009-08-04T09:30:00.001-07:00

"There are very few books that make me laugh out loud, and I can't say that this one did either, but I can say that it's a funny book." -reader review of Heather Armstrong's new book on Amazon

2009-08-03T21:09:00.001-07:00

Sure, I'm a baseballs fan.

Which country does not belong?

2009-07-30T05:29:00.000-07:00

*hat tip to Olivia

Did you know?

2009-07-28T15:07:00.001-07:00

This of course is the equivalent of using a whole bun on either side of your burger.

Glamorous lifestyle

2009-07-28T14:15:00.000-07:00

I could make so much more money if I was a Japanese hostess.

28 (twenty-eight) is the natural number following 27 and preceding 29.

2009-07-23T09:07:00.000-07:00

Individual numbers have their own Wikipedia pages.

2009-07-22T07:53:00.000-07:00

From Jeffrey Goldberg's blog at The Atlantic.

I just want to go back in time and tell little "Ikey" Dreyfus to STAY HOME.

If you're having trouble

2009-07-22T07:11:00.000-07:00

picking out a birthday present for me. Please get me this:

It's a moon lamp that changes phases. Awesome! My sister showed me this site Think Geek today, and I would like anything off of it, including the bow and arrow that shoots marshmallows or astronaut ice cream or binder clips that say "crap."

Okay fine, Onion

2009-07-20T12:42:00.001-07:00

What happens when you buy one of these?

2009-07-17T12:49:00.001-07:00

Police Seek Man With Fetish for Exercise Balls

"Experts said he has an unusual attraction to inflatable exercise devices."

I know what you're thinking

2009-07-16T11:08:00.000-07:00

But only beef can be served on Krispy Kreme doughnuts...! Not so, you small-minded little oyster! Fried chicken makes an excellent substitute for those in the business of putting things that do not belong in donuts in donuts.

This town ain't big enough

2009-07-13T07:56:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, I was shopping with my sister, and I bumped into this woman with my purse. I immediately apologized. She responded by slamming her purse into me as hard as she could. When I realized she'd intentionally hit me, I turned to her to apologize again.

"Look, it was really an accident. I'm sorry I hit you, " I said. She didn't reply and gave me an evil look. At that point, my sister--not a New Yorker--grabbed my arm and walked me away in the other direction.

But you want to know the truth? It wasn't an accident. I ran into that old hag on purpose. In fact, I was carrying around an iron so that the impact of my purse would really hurt (I was really carrying around an iron--long story). I just didn't like the look of her, the way she was muscling in on all the medium sized white camisoles in Old Navy. I wanted to hurt her, to show her whose town this is, and which of us that particular Old Navy belongs to. (Me.)

I hope she bruises easily.

2009-07-10T10:47:00.000-07:00

Well, I missed this show yesterday. I didn't know there was splintering allowed in Harvard Sailing Team. This changes all the rules.

In Costa Rica, there are dinosaurs at every cafe and in the highways

2009-07-10T07:10:00.000-07:00

Poll results

2009-07-07T07:17:00.000-07:00

With the polls closed and vote-counting dragging on until dawn, it has become clear that "Paeans Mock Kings" has won the favor of Smoking Pancakes' anti-Church, anarchist readers. Sure, "Cake Spanking Oms" was funny and cute, but it seems that when it came time to pull the lever, voters couldn't help but observe that "Paeans Mock Kings" are three words that make sense in that order.

Next time, send a Gourmet Sympathy Cheese Cake

2009-07-06T14:12:00.000-07:00

My sister wanted me to help her find a place in Manhattan with kosher gift baskets. So I googled it and stumbled upon www.koshergiftbaskets.com. The gift baskets are separated into categories based on occasion. Under "shiva/condolences," you'll find the best-named baskets, including the "Sympathy Chest of Snacks," the "Kosher Sympathy Cheese Board," "Sympathy Basket Delux," "Premium Condolence," and of course, the "Tower of Sympathy."

But when you really care, send "Our Deepest Sympathy Basket." The depth of the basket reflects the depth of your grief.

I didn't read this article

2009-07-02T12:30:00.000-07:00

In New York City, Fewer Murders on Rainy Days

I didn't read this article, but I'm guessing the murderers get all organized--gloves, weapon, disguise--and then realize when they've gotten downstairs that they've forgotten their umbrella. But if they run back upstairs to get it, it'll throw their timing off and ruin their alibi.

So much preparation--wasted!

"Oh screw it," they say, and spend the rest of the night drinking Bailey's and watching "So You Think You Can Dance."

Made-up baseball stats

2009-07-02T12:05:00.001-07:00

Just read this on Hank Aaron's Wikipedia page:

"Tommie Aaron, one of his brothers, also went on to play Major League Baseball. By the time Aaron retired, he and his brother held the record for most career home runs by a pair of siblings (768)."

Yes, that's right. Between the two of them, they hit 768 home runs, of which Tommie Aaron hit 13, and Hank Aaron hit SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY-FIVE.